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[ TIRES SCREECH ]
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OUT HERE, FELLAS.
THANKS FOR THE LIFT.
GOODBYE.
[ HORN BLARES ]
HOW ABOUT A LIFT, MISTER?
SURE. JUMP ON THE BACK.
COME ON!
ARE YOU ALL SET?!
OKAY! LET HER GO!
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?!
OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE?
JUMP BACK ON. I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE APOLOGIZED!
WE SURE DID TOLD HIM OFF, DIDN'T I?
YEAH.
THIS IS IT, FELLAS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AHH.
WHAT HAPPENED?
UH, GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WHY, WE'D LIKE A JOB.
UH, WHAT KIND OF EMPLOYMENT DO YOU PREFER?
OH, ANYTHING YOU GOT, MISSUS.
YOU SEE, WE'RE DOWN TO OUR LAST SIX BUCKS, AREN'T WE, OLLIE?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
WELL, UH, KINDLY BE SEATED. I'LL TALK TO YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.
THANK YOU, MISS.
HELLO?
YES, THIS IS THE STERLING EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
WHO?
YES.
OH, YES. I UNDERSTAND.
OH, GOOD MORNING, MRS. VANDEVERE.
I'M IN A TERRIBLE PREDICAMENT.
I'M GIVING A PARTY TONIGHT,
AND MY MAID AND BUTLER HAVE LEFT ME WITHOUT NOTICE.
COULD YOU SEND ME OVER A COUPLE TO REPLACE THEM?
OH, I'M SORRY. I HAVEN'T ANY ON THE LIST, BUT I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.
DO YOU WISH A SINGLE OR MARRIED COUPLE?
I prefer a married couple.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. VANDEVERE.
I'LL DO MY BEST TO FIND YOU A MAID AND BUTLER.
GOODBYE. [ TELEPHONE RECEIVER CLICKS ]
TOO BAD YOU WASN'T A WOMAN.
THAT'D BE A SWELL JOB FOR US.
[ CRASH, THUD ] OHH!
UH, PARDON ME, MADAM, BUT DID I UNDERSTAND YOU SAY
THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A MAID AND A BUTLER?
YES. DO YOU KNOW OF ANYONE?
I KNOW A COUPLE THAT WOULD JUST FILL THE BILL.
YOU DO? ARE THEY AVAILABLE?
I COULD GET THEM FOR YOU RIGHT AWAY, IF NOT SOONER.
WELL, I'D APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH
IF YOU'D HAVE THEM GO TO THIS ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY.
YES, MA'AM.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
COME, STANLEY.
GOODBYE. BYE.
GOODBYE.
WHAT'S THE IDEA? WE DON'T KNOW ANY COUPLE.
DO I?
YOU DON'T, BUT I DO.
IS THAT SO? MM-HMM.
WELL --
AHH. VERY NICE, MY DEAR.
IT'S WONDERFUL WHAT YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU HAVE TO.
THANK YOU, BALDY. YOU'RE SUCH A DEAR.
OH, UH, WHAT'S THE LATEST ON THE MAID-AND-BUTLER SITUATION?
I HAVEN'T HEARD A THING, AND I'M TERRIBLY WORRIED.
OH, DON'T YOU WORRY A BIT.
IF THE WORSE COMES TO THE WORST, WHY, YOU CAN SERVE A BUFFET.
[ DOORBELL BUZZES ]
OH, EXCUSE ME.
[ UP-TEMPO JAZZ PLAYS ]
UH, ARE YOU THE HEAD BUTLER?
I AM MR. VANDEVERE.
OH. WELL, WE ARE FROM THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
OH, YES.
UH, WE'RE THE BEST THEY COULD DO AT THE LAST MOMENT.
SO I CAN SEE.
WELL, COME RIGHT IN.
THANK YOU.
COME, DEAR.
[ COUGHS ] UH, THIS WAY.
OH, DARLING, THIS IS THE NEW MAID AND BUTLER.
UH, MRS. VANDEVERE.
HOW DO YOU DO, MA'AM?
WHAT A STRANGE-LOOKING PERSON.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ON A FEW HOURS' NOTICE?
IF YOU'D HAVE GONE TO THE TROUBLE WE DID
TO GET US THIS JOB --
UH, WHAT HE MEANS -- I MEAN, SHE MEANS IS
THAT THIS IS THE BEST THEY COULD DO UPON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
OH, NEVER MIND, DEAR.
ANY OLD PORT IN A STORM, YOU KNOW.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. CALL PIERRE.
[ BELL RINGS ]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
UH, MY NAME IS OLLIE, AND THIS IS AGNES.
[ CLOTH RIPS ]
UH, A SLIGHT ACCIDENT.
[ French accent ] DID YOU RING, MADAME?
YES, PIERRE.
THIS IS THE NEW MAID AND BUTLER.
SHOW THEM TO THEIR QUARTERS AND EXPLAIN THEIR DUTIES.
YES, MADAME.
COME, DEAR.
Pierre: THIS WAY.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
AH. WELL, WELL, WELL.
NO, THANK YOU.
THEY'RE GOOD.
NO, THANK YOU.
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
WELL...
OHH!
[ "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS ]
THERE'S EVERYTHING FROM SOUP TO NUTS, FOLKS.
COME AND GET IT.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
YOU CAN TAKE THESE COCKTAILS!
WHAT, ALL OF THEM?
CERTAINLY!
SEE IF YOU CAN DO THAT WITHOUT SPILLING THEM.
OKAY, BOYS, SIT DOWN.
[ BELL RINGS ]
NOW, DON'T NOBODY EAT TILL MISS VANDEVERE GETS HERE.
SHE WENT TO CHANGE HER DRESS.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WELL, KID, HOW DOES SHE LOOK?
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, FOLKS, THE JOKE'S ON ME.
I'VE GOT YOU ALL SEATED WRONG.
THE OLD GUY WANTS YOU ALL MIXED UP.
I'LL FIX IT, JUST --
UH, SAY, YOU.
ME? Ollie: YOU COME OVER HERE, YES.
AND BRING YOUR -- YOUR EATS WITH YOU.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE AND TAKE YOUR EATS WITH YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. NOW, DON'T GET EXCITED.
I'LL HAVE IT ALL FIXED.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE. TAKE YOUR EATS WITH YOU, NOW.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE AND TAKE YOUR FOOD WITH YOU.
AND YOU COME OVER HERE.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE.
LISTEN -- I WANT TO --
WILL YOU KEEP QUIET JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE?
AND QUIT INTERRUPTING.
AND YOU COME OVER HERE AND BRING YOUR EATS WITH YOU.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T SIT THERE. OVER HERE.
BRING YOUR EATS WITH YOU. DON'T GET 'EM MIXED UP.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE. JUST A MINUTE. I WANT TO --
NOW, YOU BETTER GO SIT DOWN.
YOU COME RIGHT HERE AND SIT DOWN.
RIGHT THERE.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T SIT.
NOW, YOU GO OVER THERE AND TAKE YOUR EATS WITH YOU.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
COME ON. MOVE FAST, FOLKS, PLEASE. DON'T YOU REALIZE --
NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY, OLD BOY. WE'LL HAVE EVERYTHING ALL FIXED.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, OVER THERE, PLEASE. TAKE YOUR EATS WITH YOU.
AND YOU COME OVER HERE.
DON'T YOU SIT. NO, NO, DON'T SIT THERE, PLEASE.
NOW, ONE OF YOU BOYS GO RIGHT OVER THERE.
AND, YOU, COME RIGHT HERE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU MUST HAVE TO TAKE UP
ON THIS SEAT RIGHT HERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST -- THAT'S IT.
JUST GO RIGHT AROUND THERE AND GET YOUR SEAT...
AND GET YOUR FOOD.
YOU GOT -- THAT'S -- NOW...
SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, POP?
"POP"?!
AND IF YOU'LL GO RIGHT UP THERE...
RIGHT THERE, AND SIT RIGHT THERE. THAT'S IT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, SIR. ON THIS SIDE.
NOW, YOU SIT RIGHT OVER THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, OVER HERE, PLEASE.
AND IF YOU'LL SIT RIGHT THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, NO, NO. NOT YOU -- THE OTHER ONE.
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, YOU SIT RIGHT THERE.
AND YOU GO OVER THERE, PLEASE, YES.
AND THEN, YOU SIT RIGHT THERE.
I'LL HAVE IT IN JUST A MOMENT, NOW.
AND YOU SIT RIGHT THERE.
AND YOU RIGHT HERE, LITTLE LADY. THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL COME --
STOP!
EVERYONE, SIT DOWN RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
AGNES, WILL YOU PLEASE SERVE THE SALAD WITHOUT ANY DRESSING?
WHAT KIND OF A JOINT IS THIS?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HE WANTS ME TO SERVE THE SALAD UNDRESSED.
WELL, IF HE WANTS THE SALAD UNDRESSED,
THAT'S THE WAY HE'LL HAVE IT.
GO GET THE SALAD.
WHA-- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MR. VANDEVERE?
OHHHH!
OHH!
[ GUESTS MURMURING ]
WHY, YOU...
HEY! COME HERE!
STOP!
COME ON!
[ GUNSHOTS ]
Man: OHH!
Baldy: I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
I TELL YOU -- I'M SORRY, I TELL YOU!
I DIDN'T HAVE MY GLASSES ON!
WHY DON'T YOU BE CAREFUL?!
YOU ALMOST BLEW MY BRAINS OUT!
HEY, LOAN ME YOUR BROOM.
Man: OW!
[ AIR HISSING ]
[ BELL RINGING ]
[ RINGING STOPS ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, HERE WE ARE AT LAST -- RIGHT DOWN IN THE GUTTER.
I WONDER WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH US.
WE'RE JUST AS GOOD AS OTHER PEOPLE,
YET WE DON'T SEEM TO ADVANCE OURSELVES.
WE NEVER GET ANYPLACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE IS, DON'T YOU?
WE'VE NEVER HAD NO EDUCATION.
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER.
YOU SEE, WE'RE NOT ILLITERATE ENOUGH.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
SURE, I'M RIGHT.
YOU SEE, IF WE WENT TO SCHOOL LIKE OTHER PEOPLE,
WE -- WE WOULD LEARN OUR THREE R's, AND TODAY,
THERE'D BE NO JOB TOO SMALL FOR US, BELIEVE ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THREE R's"?
WELL, READING, WRITING, AND...
AND FIGURIN'.
FIGURIN'?
SURE. YOU KNOW, TWO AND TWO MAKES SOMETHIN',
AND FOUR AND FOUR MAKES SOMETHIN', AND --
IT'S DIFFERENT TO THE FIRST --
YOU MEAN 'RITHMETIC.
YEAH, I KNEW WHAT IT MEANT, BUT I COULDN'T SAY IT.
SAY, I THINK YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THERE.
HAVE I? YEAH.
AFTER WE FINISH WORK TODAY,
WE'LL START GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
TOO BAD WE DIDN'T THINK OF THAT BEFORE.
YEAH.
THANKS.
DON'T THROW THAT ON THE SIDEWALK.
WELL, WE'RE GOING TO CLEAN IT UP ANYWAY.
[ BUZZER ]
[ GASPS ]
[ ALARM RINGING ]
[ SIREN WAILING ]
I WANT TO THANK YOU OFFICERS FOR YOUR QUICK ACTION.
DON'T THANK US.
THOSE ARE THE BOYS THAT MADE THE CAPTURE.
MY BOYS, YOU'VE DONE A SERVICE FOR ME THAT I CAN NEVER FORGET.
YOU'VE SAVED ME HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
WHAT CAN I DO TO REPAY YOU? I DON'T KNOW, SIR.
MAYBE I COULD GIVE YOU SOME WORK TO DO IN THE BANK.
WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, SIR,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE WOULDN'T BE OF MUCH HELP TO YOU.
YOU SEE, WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY EDUCATION, HAVE WE, STAN?
NO, WE DON'T KNOW A THING, DO WE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
IN FACT, WE WERE JUST TALKING OF GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
I SEE. DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH.
AND ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE POLISH WITH THE PROPER SCENT.
IF IT'S AN EDUCATION YOU WANT,
YOU SHALL HAVE THE FINEST THAT MONEY CAN BUY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IT'LL SAVE US THE TROUBLE OF GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
IT'S A GO.
[ FLASH BULB BOOMS ] OHH!
[ HORN BLARES ]
[ BELL TOLLING ]
[ British accent ] DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
[ British accent ] WHAT IS IT?
I THINK THEY'RE ENTITLED TO THE ROYAL INITIATION, DON'T YOU?
BY ALL MEANS.
NOW, LISTEN -- YOU ROUND UP THE BOYS.
WE'LL ALL HAVE A LOT OF FUN.
I'LL START THEM OFF IN THE MAZE.
SO, THIS IS OXFORD.
YES, SIR, I THINK WE'RE GOING TO LIKE IT HERE. MM-HMM.
OH, PARDON ME, BUT HAVEN'T YOU COME TO THE WRONG COLLEGE?
WELL, THIS IS OXFORD, ISN'T IT?
YES, BUT, UH, YOU'RE DRESSED FOR ETON.
WELL, THAT'S SWELL.
WE HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST, HAVE WE?
"HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST."
IT'S YOUR IDEA OF US BEING DRESSED LIKE THIS.
NO WONDER EVERYONE'S STARING AT US.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, IF I CAN BE OF ANY HELP TO YOU AT ALL,
I'M ENTIRELY AT YOUR SERVICE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WONDER IF YOU CAN TELL US WHERE TO FIND THE HEAD TEACHER.
OH, YOU MEAN THE DEAN.
WHY, IT'D BE A PLEASURE TO ESCORT YOU THERE MYSELF.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU A PASS?
A PASS?
YES, YOU MUST HAVE A PASS TO SEE THE DEAN.
WELL, WHERE DO WE GET IT?
FROM THE PASS PROFESSOR.
WELL, WHERE DO WE FIND HIM?
WELL, NOW, YOU SEE THAT ENTRANCE IN THE HEDGE OVER THERE?
YEAH.
WELL, NOW, WHEN YOU ENTER THERE,
YOU GO TO THE RIGHT, THEN TO THE LEFT,
THEN TO THE RIGHT AGAIN, AND THEN TO THE RIGHT AGAIN.
THEN AFTER YOU'VE BEEN TO THE RIGHT,
YOU KEEP GOING RIGHT UNTIL YOU COME TO THE LEFT TURN AGAIN.
THEN YOU GO RIGHT AGAIN
UNTIL YOU FIND YOURSELF LEFT ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
HUH. OH, I KNOW IT SOUNDS A BIT COMPLICATED,
BUT IF YOU KEEP TO THE RIGHT, YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG.
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW, THEN, WHEN YOU COME TO THE EXIT
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HEDGE, YOU'LL SEE A SIGN WITH A HAND
POINTING TO THE PROFESSOR'S LODGE.
IS THAT TO THE RIGHT OR TO THE LEFT?
MY DEAR OLD THING, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.
NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
WE GO TO THE LEFT WHEN WE -- AFTER THE...
I HAVE THE DIRECTIONS, STANLEY, CLEARLY IN MY MIND.
[ LAUGHS ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YES.
GOODBYE. CHEERIO. I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
BYE. GOODBYE.
WELL, CHEERIO. TOODLE-OO.
[ SNICKERS ]
GEE, HE SURE IS A SWELL GUY, ISN'T HE?
HE CERTAINLY IS.
I KNEW IT THE MINUTE I SET EYES ON HIM. YOU DID?
YEAH. THAT'S ONE THING I PRIDE MYSELF ON IS READING CHARACTER.
IS THAT SO? YEAH.
NO, NO, NO. TO YOUR LEFT.
NOW TO YOUR RIGHT.
LEFT.
NOW TO THE RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
ALL WE'RE DOING IS GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
I THINK WE MUST HAVE TAKEN THE WRONG TURNING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THE WRONG TURNING"?
WELL, MAYBE WE WENT TO THE LEFT INSTEAD OF TO THE RIGHT.
REMEMBER, THE FELLOW SAID,
"FIRST, YOU TURN TO THE RIGHT, THEN --"
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU GO TO THE LEFT, AND I'LL GO TO THE RIGHT.
AND WHOEVER FINDS THE EXIT FIRST
COMES BACK AND GETS THE OTHER ONE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEPLACE.
SAY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE TRUNK?
THINK WE BETTER LEAVE IT HERE?
WHY, CERTAINLY NOT.
WE MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND IT AGAIN.
WELL, I CAN'T CARRY IT. IT'S TOO HEAVY.
ALL RIGHT. I SUPPOSE IT'S UP TO ME, AS USUAL.
WELL, I'M NOT AS BIG AS YOU ARE.
GET IT ON MY BACK.
WELL, I'M DOING ALL I CAN TO HELP YOU.
ALL RIGHT. SLIDE IT UP.
[ GRUNTING ]
TAKE IT EASY.
GOT IT ALL RIGHT?
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS I GET A GRIP ON IT.
YOU WANT A GRIP ON IT?
YEAH.
THERE WE ARE, NOW.
NOW, HELP ME UP.
NOW, UPSY-DAISY.
THERE WE ARE.
[ GRUNTING ]
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, DON'T FORGET TO HOLLER.
I WON'T.
BYE. GOODBYE.
YOU ALL RIGHT NOW?
GOODBYE.
[ HORN HONKS ]
WHOA!
[ HORN SQUEAKS ]
Stan: OH, OLLIE?!
WHERE ARE YOU?!
I'M HERE. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M HERE.
HOW CAN YOU BE HERE IF I'M HERE?
WELL, STAN, I'M EXACTLY WHERE -- WILL YOU COME AND FIND ME?!
WELL, I WILL AS SOON AS I CAN FIND MYSELF.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
I CAN'T BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE.
HERE WE ARE.
WILL YOU SHOW ME THE EXIT?!
HERE IT IS.
OH, SWELL. NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE!
ALL RIGHT. YOU FOLLOW ME. WE'LL TAKE THE SHORTCUT. ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT THIS WAY. ALL RIGHT.
NOW, DON'T LOSE ME. I WON'T.
[ BELL TOLLING ]
HEY, JUST A MINUTE.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE SUITCASES?
I PUT 'EM ON TOP OF THE TRUNK.
HAVE I BEEN CARRYING THESE ALL THE TIME?!
GET THIS OFF OF MY BACK!
LET'S REST AWHILE. I'M TIRED.
I AM, TOO.
[ GRUNTS ]
OHH. [ SIGHS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ SNEEZES ]
GIVE ME MY HANDKERCHIEF.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SNEEZES ]
[ BLOWS NOSE ]
THANK YOU, OLLIE.
WILL YOU LEAVE THAT ALONE?!
I THOUGHT YOU JUST GAVE IT TO ME.
OHH!
NOW, CUT THAT OUT.
[ YAWNS ]
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
[ YAWNS ]
[ SIGHS ]
NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW?
I JUST SAW THREE HANDS.
NOW, SIT DOWN. YOU'RE CRAZY.
YOU'VE BEEN GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES ALL DAY,
AND YOU'RE DIZZY.
IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
WHY, CERTAINLY. YOU JUST HAD A DIZZY SPELL.
HUH.
NOW LET ME GET SOME REST, WILL YOU?
[ GROANS ]
NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.
[ INHALING ]
[ COUGHS ]
HEY, OLLIE, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT I JUST HAD ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DIZZY SPELLS.
SO, SO --
NO WONDER -- SMOKING THOSE BIG, BLACK CIGARS.
THEY'RE TOO STRONG FOR YOU.
IS THAT WHAT IT -- WELL, CERTAINLY.
[ BANG ]
DID YOU SEE THAT?
SURE, IT'S ONE OF THOSE DIZZY SPELLS AGAIN.
THAT WASN'T NO DIZZY SPELL.
GO SEE WHAT IT WAS.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT IT --
GO SEE WHAT IT WAS AND DON'T ARGUE.
HURRY UP. I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
AAH!
AAAH!
NOPE. NOBODY THERE.
JUST ONE OF THOSE DIZZY SPELLS AGAIN.
EVEN YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
Ollie: STAN?! OH, STAN?!
WHAT? COME ON!
OKAY, I'LL --
AAAH! AAH!
AAAH!
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
DON'T LEAVE ME, OLLIE!
GIVE ME YOUR HAND!
AAH!
[ LAUGHING ]
CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
WELCOME TO OXFORD.
[ BELL TOLLING ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
I THINK THAT FELLA THAT SENT US IN HERE MADE A FOOL OUT OF YOU.
YES, AND IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN,
I'LL PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE NOSE.
I DON'T BLAME YOU.
SAY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD READ CHARACTER.
I CAN, BUT HE WAS TWO-FACED.
OH.
YOU KNOW, I'LL NEVER TRUST ANYBODY AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
BRING THEM ACROSS TO JOHNSON'S QUARTERS.
THE BOYS HAVE EVERYTHING ARRANGED.
RIGHTO.
WELL...[ CLEARS THROAT ] HOW DO I LOOK?
MARVELOUS. MUCH BETTER THAN THE OLD DEAN HIMSELF.
DO YOU THINK HE'LL EVER RECOGNIZE ME WITH THIS?
NEVER IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HURRY, FELLAS! HERE COMES CECIL WITH THE CHUMPS.
OOH. UH-OH.
[ INDISTINCT MURMURING ]
HERE WE ARE.
Cecil: THIS WAY, PLEASE.
DEAN, MAY I PRESENT THE TWO NEW BOYS FROM AMERICA.
THIS IS DR. RAMSBOTTOM, THE DEAN OF OUR UNIVERSITY.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, MR. DEAN.
CHARMED, I'M SURE.
MEET PROFESSOR PUSH-HA'PENNY,
DR. PIGSFOOT,
AND HIS BROTHER, TROTTER.
WELL, DEAR OLD THINGS,
HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING
ON YOUR ENTRANCE INTO DEAR OLD OXFORD.
I HOPE THAT OUR ASSOCIATION WILL BE A HAPPY UNION.
AND WE WISH TO SHOW OUR HOSPITALITY,
TRUE TO THE TRADITIONS OF OUR COLLEGE,
BY GIVING YOU A MOST HEARTY AND A ROYAL GREETING.
CHEERIO, I DON'T THINK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, IS EVERYTHING IN READINESS
TO ESCORT THESE GENTLEMEN TO THEIR QUARTERS?
EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
THEN CARRY ON.
All: * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* AND SO SAY ALL OF US!
I SHALL BE QUITE SOME TIME AT THE LECTURE, JENKINS.
YOU MAY TAKE THE AFTERNOON OFF.
THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU.
GOODBYE, SIR.
All: * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* AND SO SAY ALL OF US
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* AND SO SAY ALL OF US
WELL, GENTLEMEN, THESE ARE YOUR QUARTERS.
NOW, DON'T BE AFRAID TO MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.
NOW, TA-TA!
SKIP THE GUTTER.
All: AND GOOD LUCK, WE DON'T THINK.
SAY, THAT DEAN'S A SWELL GUY, AIN'T HE?
NOW, THERE'S A MAN THAT YOU CAN TRUST.
HE SURE IS.
GEE, THIS IS A SWELL JOINT, I DON'T THINK.
IT'S A PIP. LOVELY.
NO WONDER PEOPLE GO TO SCHOOL.
NICE PLACE TO LIVE IN LIKE THIS.
NO FLIES OR NOTHING.
I WONDER HOW LONG THIS PLACE HAS BEEN OPEN.
I WONDER.
YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD ADVERTISE THIS COLLEGE
TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT IT WAS ON THE MAP.
SAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THIS EXCITEMENT, I COMPLETELY FORGOT IT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT LET'S DO --
LET'S UNPACK THE TRUNK AND MAKE OURSELVES AT HOME.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
Shh.
BOY, IS THIS THE LIFE.
MM-HMM.
THESE ENGLISH COLLEGES CERTAINLY GIVE YOU THE WORKS.
DON'T THEY, THOUGH?
You should see what they've done to the dean's bedroom.
FIX ME ANOTHER SNORT.
Hey, fellows!
Here comes the dean!
All: THE DEAN?!
No, no, no. We can't get out here.
He's coming down the hall.
WHAT SHALL WE DO?
[ CRASH ]
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
SURE. WHAT IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW. GO SEE.
NOBODY THERE.
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY.
HOW ABOUT 40 WINKS?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
SAY, OLLIE.
WHAT NOW?
HOW ABOUT A NIGHTCAP?
WELL, JUST ONE.
THERE'S NO FIZZWATER.
WELL, GET SOME.
THERE'S NO MORE NIGHTCAP.
WELL, NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN A CASE LIKE THAT?
GO AND GET SOME.
CERTAINLY!
SIMPLE.
CHEERIO.
I DON'T THINK.
RIPPING! [ LAUGHS ]
AHH.
SAY, OLLIE. WHAT?
I WONDER WHO THAT OLD BUZZARD IS OVER THERE.
OH, PROBABLY SOME OLD COCKROACH
THAT HAD THIS ROOM BEFORE WE DID.
GET A LOAD OF THAT PUSS.
SAY, DID YOU EVER SEE A FACE LIKE THAT
ANYWHERE EXCEPT IN A ZOO?
SURE.
WHERE?
IN A MONKEY HOUSE.
[ LAUGHS ]
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. [ LAUGHS ]
MONKEY HOUSE. [ LAUGHS ]
GIVE ME SOME MORE FIZZWATER.
MMM.
[ FIZZWATER SPRAYS ]
SAY, I BET YOU A NICKEL I CAN HIT HIM IN THE EYE.
BET YOU CAN'T. BET YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU MISSED! [ LAUGHS ]
GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.
DIME OR NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO GET EVEN.
ALL RIGHT. NOW.
[ FIZZWATER SPRAYS ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY QUARTERS?!
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR QUARTERS?
THEY'RE OUR QUARTERS.
THE DEAN JUST GIVE THEM TO US.
I AM THE DEAN!
READ HIS CHARACTER.
I JUST DID. HE'S A PHONY.
IT'S ANOTHER RIB.
SURE, HE'S GOT RIBS ALL OVER HIS FACE.
SEE THEM?
GET OUT OF MY QUARTERS, I TELL YOU!
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE IS?
HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE DIZZY SPELLS.
YEAH, HE'S A "DIZZY DEAN."
SURE, THAT'S WHAT HE IS.
NOW, COME ON, DIZZY.
GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT.
YEAH, AND THAT GOES FOR ME, TOO, "DIZ."
YOU CAN'T --
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. I SHALL HAVE YOU SENT DOWN.
I'LL HAVE YOU PROSECUTED!
OHH! THERE, SIR!
OHH.
AND AS FOR YOU -- YOU'LL SUFFER FOR THIS.
THAT'S A LOT OF BALONEY.
THERE, SIR!
SEE HERE! OF ALL THE --
COME ON. GET OUT OF HERE, OR WE'LL -- WE'LL...
HOW DARE YOU!
WHO IS THIS G--? I'LL TELL HIM ALL AB--
OHH!
I SHALL SPEAK TO MY --
[ SPITS ]
JENKINS! COME ON! GET OUT OF HERE! WE'VE HAD ENOUGH!
LUNATICS AT LARGE HERE!
GET OUT! COME ON!
AND STAY OUT OF HERE!
WHO YOU THINK --
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
YOU'LL FIND OUT.
HEY, DEANIE, TELL THIS NITWIT
TO GET OUT OF HERE AND STOP BOTHERING US!
YEAH, HE'S TRYING TO CRASH IN ON OUR PARTY, ISN'T HE?
WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
HEY, DEAN. TELL HIM.
"DEAN"?! I REITERATE, I AM THE DEAN!
AH, DON'T GIVE US THAT.
HE TOLD US HE WAS THE DEAN,
AND HE GAVE US THESE QUARTERS, DIDN'T HE, STAN?
HE CERTAINLY DID, DIDN'T YOU?
IS THIS TRUE, JOHNSON?
YES, SIR.
SEE, NOW DON'T YOU FEEL SILLY?
YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE AND I'LL -- SILENCE!
YOU SHALL BE EXPELLED --
SENT DOWN FOR THIS, MY LAD -- ALL OF YOU!
THIS IS THE MOST DISGRACEFUL OUTRAGE EVER PERPETRATED
IN THE HISTORY OF OXFORD!
REPORT TO ME IN THE MORNING. YOU MAY GO.
SNITCHES!
JENKINS. Jenkins: YES, SIR.
HELP THEM TO PACK THEIR THINGS
AND SEE THEY'RE TAKEN TO THEIR PROPER QUARTERS.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
[ SPITTING ]
WHAT WILL THE PATER SAY WHEN HE HEARS I AM TO BE EXPELLED?
DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL SEE THEY'RE NOT HERE TOMORROW TO TESTIFY AGAINST US.
SNITCHES LIKE THAT HAVE NO PLACE IN OXFORD.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THE DIRTY DOGS.
THAT'S ONE THING WE WON'T TOLERATE IN OXFORD -- SNITCHING.
RIGHT YOU ARE! LET'S SHOW THEM.
WE'LL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
HERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN. THESE ARE YOUR QUARTERS.
[ SIGHS ]
MEREDITH THE VALET WILL BE HERE SHORTLY TO TEND TO YOUR NEEDS.
GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.
CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
WHAT?
LOOK -- WE'RE ONLY THAT FAR FROM HOME.
THERE'S OUR --
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
COME IN.
HOW DO YOU DO, GENTLEMEN? I'M MEREDITH.
I'M MR. HARDY. THIS IS MY FRIEND MR. LAUREL.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. HARDY?
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. LAU--
YOUR LORDSHIP!
DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME, SIR?
I'M MEREDITH!
DON'T YOU RECALL -- I USED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, SIR?
LOOK OUT. ANOTHER RIB.
SAY, THAT'S A LOT OF HOOEY.
YOU NEVER SAW HIM BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE.
NO, AND I NEVER SAW YOU, EITHER.
OH, PARDON ME.
I UNDERSTAND, YOUR LORDSHIP, WHY YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ME.
OH, IT'S A PITY, IT'S A PITY.
WHAT'S A PITY?
OH, IT'S A SAD STORY, SIR.
IT WAS A GREAT BLOW TO OXFORD.
YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS, SIR --
WHEN HIS LORDSHIP WAS HERE BEFORE,
HE WAS THE GREATEST ATHLETE AND THE GREATEST SCHOLAR
THIS UNIVERSITY EVER BOASTED OF.
AND, OH, WHAT A BRILLIANT MIND.
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE
THAT THIS IS THE GUY YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
I KNOW IT.
I WAS NEVER SO SURE IN MY LIFE.
BRILLIANT MIND.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS,
AND HE'S THE DUMBEST GUY I EVER SAW.
AREN'T YOU, STANLEY?
I CERTAINLY AM. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
OH, PARDON ME, SIR. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I CAN RECALL YOUR ACCIDENT MOST VIVIDLY.
WHAT ACCIDENT?
IT HAPPENED IN THIS VERY ROOM.
IT WAS RIGHT HERE AT THIS VERY WINDOW.
YOUR LORDSHIP HAD JUST DEFEATED CAMBRIDGE,
AND YOU WERE STANDING THERE,
ACKNOWLEDGING THE PLAUDITS OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.
AND JUST AS I CAME IN WITH YOUR TEA AND CRUMPETS,
THE WINDOW SLIPPED
AND HIT YOU ON THE HEAD AS HARD AS A HEAVY HAMMER.
HUH.
AND WHEN YOU CAME TO, YOU'D LOST YOUR MEMORY
AND WANDERED AWAY FROM THE UNIVERSITY.
AND WE'D NEVER SAW OR HEARD OF YOU FROM THAT DAY TO THIS.
PARDON ME FOR BEING FRANK, BUT I THINK THAT YOU ARE SCREWY.
SURE IS NUTS. HE'S GOT BEES IN HIS COCKPIT.
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM.
OH, IF I COULD ONLY BRING YOUR MEMORY BACK.
MAYBE ONE OF THESE DAYS,
SOME OF YOUR PECULIAR MANNERISMS MAY SHOW UP.
WHAT MANNERISMS?
YOUR LORDSHIP HAD A MOST OUTSTANDING ONE.
DID I? MM-HMM!
AND WHEN YOU GOT VERY ANGRY,
YOU'D WIGGLE YOUR EARS IN A MOST EXTRAORDINARY MANNER.
AND YOU'D FIGHT LIKE A DEMON.
HUH.
"FIGHT LIKE A DEMON."
WIGGLE YOUR EARS. WHAT?
WIGGLE YOUR EARS.
I CAN'T WIGGLE MY EARS.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T. OF COURSE I CAN'T.
NOW STOP THIS KIDDING,
AND WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT IT.
NO MORE ABOUT IT.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT --
SAY, WHY DON'T YOU READ HIS CHARACTER?
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
MAYBE I AM A LORDSHIP.
YOU A LORDSHIP.
AND WE'RE ONLY THIS FAR FROM HOME.
WELL, I-I KNEW A FELLA ONCE
THAT LOST HIS MEMORY, AND HE'S BETTER NOW.
YOU SEE --
All: [ Chanting ] FEE, FI, FO, FUM.
WE WANT THE BLOOD OF AN AMERICAN.
BE HE ALIVE...
WHAT'S THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
...WE'LL CRUSH HIS BONES TO MAKE OUR BREAD.
FEE, FI, FO, FUM.
WE'LL BEAT THOSE YANKEES LIKE A DRUM.
I WONDER WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
THAT'S THE STUDENTS' CHANT OF REVENGE, SIR.
EVIDENTLY, SOME GENTLEMAN HAS VIOLATED THE ETHICS
OF THE STUDENT BODY.
AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THEY'RE NEVER SATISFIED
UNTIL THEY'VE HOUNDED THE GUILTY ONE OUT OF OXFORD.
...WE'LL CUT THEIR THROATS AND TAKE OUT THEIR TONGUES.
WE'LL CHEW THEM UP LIKE CHEWING GUM.
FEE, FI...
LOOK -- THEY'RE POINTING AT US.
DON'T WORRY. IT'S ANOTHER RIB.
OH, NO, SIR.
THEY NEVER JEST IN A CASE LIKE THIS.
All: ...WE'LL SEND THEM BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM.
FEE, FI, FO, FUM.
LISTEN, CHAPS, WE'LL GO UP
AND MAKE THEM JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW.
IF THEY WON'T JUMP,
WE'LL TAKE OFF THEIR BRITCHES AND THROW THEM OUT.
HERE, STRETCH THE BLANKET, CHAPS.
[ WHIMPERS ]
THEY MEAN US, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
...WE WANT THE BLOOD OF AN AMERICAN.
BE HE ALIVE...
OHH!
WHERE CAN WE HIDE?
CLIMB OUT THE WINDOW, SIR,
ALONG THE LEDGE THROUGH TO THE NEXT STUDY,
AND MAKE YOUR ESCAPE FROM THERE.
SAY, OLLIE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE TRUNK?
NEVER MIND THE TRUNK.
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ WINDOW BANGS ]
OHH.
All: FE, FI, FO, FUM...
[ British accent ] GOOD GRACIOUS, MEREDITH,
WHY DON'T YOU FIX THAT WINDOW?
HIT ME RIGHT ON THE CRANIUM.
YOUR LORDSHIP! YOU'VE GOT YOUR MEMORY BACK!
YOU KNOW ME!
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OF COURSE I KNOW YOU.
WHERE'S MY TEA AND CRUMPETS? HURRY.
OH, IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!
ARE YOU BARMY?
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
SEE WHO THAT IS. YES.
STOP ANNOYING ME. YES, ME LORD.
MUST BE LOSING HIS MEMORY. SILLY OLD BOUNDER.
THERE'S ONE OF THEM!
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS VULGAR INTRUSION?
YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE OFF YOUR BRITCHES
AND RUN YOU OUT OF OXFORD.
WHAT? TAKE OFF MY BRITCHES?
IN THE PRESENCE OF MEREDITH?
YES, YOU DIRTY SNITCHER!
REPEAT THAT REMARK AGAIN.
All: DIRTY SNITCHER!
MEREDITH, HOLD MY HANDKERCHIEF.
YES, ME LORD.
NOW, I DEMAND AN IMMEDIATE APOLOGY.
All: AN APOLOGY?!
I'LL GIVE YOU AN APOLOGY!
[ CRASH ]
All: HEY!
[ CLANG ]
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
All: HEY!
HEY!
[ CRASH ]
HEY!
[ CRASH ]
HEY!
OHH!
THE DEAN! THE DEAN! THE DEAN!
[ CRASH ]
OHH!
[ THUD ] WHOA! UGH!
[ THUD ]
WONDERFUL, YOUR LORDSHIP! WONDERFUL!
RIGHT BACK TO YOUR OLD FORM AGAIN!
DID ME HEART GOOD TO SEE YOU CARRY ON.
DIDN'T HALF PUT IT ACROSS 'EM.
DON'T ANNOY ME, MEREDITH.
GET THIS PLACE CLEANED UP,
AND, UH, HURRY WITH MY TEA AND CRUMPETS.
OH, VERY GOOD.
I'M STARVED, REALLY.
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA THROWING ME OUT THE WINDOW?!
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
MEREDITH, WHO IS THIS COARSE PERSON WITH THE FOREIGN ACCENT?
WHY, YOU LITTLE SHRIMP!
ARE YOU TRYING TO RIB ME NOW?!
Be careful, sir. Be careful.
His Lordship's regained his memory.
Don't annoy him, sir, or he may again become violent.
IT'S ON THE LEVEL, THEN?
Yes, sir.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT, UH, WE'VE NEVER BEEN INTRODUCED.
MEREDITH, WILL YOU KINDLY OFFICIATE?
MR. HARDY, MEET LORD PADDINGTON.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WHAT IS THE NATURE OF YOUR BUSINESS HERE?
WHY, STAN, DON'T YOU KNOW ME?
KNOW YOU?
WHY, I NEVER SAW YOU BEFORE IN ALL MY LIFE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
WE USED TO SWEEP THE STREETS TOGETHER.
SWEEP THE STRE-- HOW DARE YOU!
HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH SLURRING REMARKS!
MEREDITH, SHOW THIS COMMON PERSON THE EGRESS
AND EJECT HIM FORCIBLY.
THIS WAY, SIR.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH!
I'M GONNA MOP THE FLOOR UP WITH YOU!
HAVE A CARE.
WIGGLING YOUR EARS AIN'T GONNA STOP ME!
[ CRASH ]
OHH! [ THUD ]
OHH!
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
COME IN.
Stan: OH, GOOD MORNING, FATTY.
GOOD MORNING, YOUR LORDSHIP.
THANK YOU.
TEA, YOUR LORDSHIP.
THE DEAN WISHES TO SPEAK WITH YOU, YOUR LORDSHIP.
OH, COME RIGHT IN. COME RIGHT IN.
YOU MAY REMAIN HERE, FATTY.
OH, GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
UH, WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME IN A SPOT OF TEA?
NO, THANKS. NOT ANY FOR ME, THANK YOU.
UH, DON'T STAND THERE LIKE A DUMMY.
GET A CHAIR FOR THE DEAN.
PARDON MY, UH, VALET BEING SO HORRIBLY, UH, STUPID.
HE'S NOT QUITE BROKEN IN YET.
HE'S RATHER THICK, AS IT WERE.
WHY DO YOU TOLERATE HIM?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S, UH, HE'S GOT A JOLLY OLD FACE, YOU KNOW?
BREAKS THE MONOTONY
AND, UH, HELPS TO FILL UP THE, UH, ROOM,
AND, UH, BESIDES, HE'S SOMETHING TO TALK TO.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
I QUITE UNDERSTAND, YOUR LORDSHIP.
WELL, A THOUSAND CONGRATULATIONS
FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED
SINCE YOUR RETURN TO OXFORD.
OH, TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT.
MIGHT I PRESUME TO ASK YOU A FAVOR?
WHY, CERTAINLY.
PROFESSOR EINSTEIN HAS JUST ARRIVED FROM PRINCETON,
AND, UH, HE'S A BIT CONFUSED ABOUT HIS THEORY.
YOU DON'T SAY.
HE WONDERED IF YOU COULD, UH, STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
IT WOULD BE A PLEASURE.
WHEN COULD YOU GIVE HIM A FEW MOMENTS?
UH, LET ME SEE. UH, OH, FATTY,
UH...
UH, HAND ME MY MEMORANDUM.
LET ME SEE NOW, UH, MONDAY...
TUESDAY, AND, UH...
SUPPOSE WE MAKE IT ASH WEDNESDAY.
OH, THANK YOU, YOUR LORDSHIP.
THE PROFESSOR WILL BE SO VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU.
THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
UH, INCIDENTALLY, YOU MAY INVITE HIM TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME.
OH. UH, I'M HAVING PANCAKES.
[ LAUGHS ] THANK YOU, YOUR LORDSHIP.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, FATTY.
THANK YOU.
GOOD GRACIOUS, FATTY. WHAT IS THIS, SENNA TEA?
TAKE THIS STUFF AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
DON'T LET IT OCCUR AGAIN.
MY GOODNESS.
HMM!
EINSTEIN.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT BUMP ON THE HEAD,
HE WOULDN'T KNOW EINSTEIN FROM A BEER STEIN.
UH, BY THE WAY, UH, FATTY.
I'VE NOTICED LATELY THAT, UH, YOU'RE GETTING TERRIBLY SLOVEN.
HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR?
WELL, UH, YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THE DIGNITY
BECOMING OF A LACKEY.
UH, NO POISE.
YOU DON'T WALK RIGHT OR SOMETHING.
LET ME SEE -- UH, PULL IN YOUR STOMACH.
THAT'S BETTER. NOW -- NOW THROW YOUR SHOULDERS BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, CHIN UP. CHIN UP.
NO, NO, NO, NO -- BOTH OF THEM. BOTH.
THERE. THAT'S BETTER NOW.
NOW -- NOW, WALK AROUND. LET ME SEE YOU.
NOW, STEP INTO IT. UH, MAKE IT BRISKER. BRISKER!
NOW, CHINS UP. CH--
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, CLUMSY.
LISTEN, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!
WHEN I KNEW YOU, I HAD MORE BRAINS IN MY LITTLE FINGER
THAN YOU HAD IN YOUR WHOLE CARCASS,
EVEN WITH YOUR OVERCOAT ON!
YOU'RE A WITTY OLD STICK IN THE MUD, AREN'T YOU, FATTY?
YOU BET I AM, AND DON'T CALL ME FATTY!
NOW, DON'T GET EXCITED, OLD DEAR.
WHO'S EXCITED?! I'M THROUGH!
YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LORDSHIPS, YOUR OXFORD,
AND YOUR PADDINGTONS AND DO WHAT YOU LIKE WITH THEM!
WHY, I'M SURPRISED.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED...!
I'M JUST MERELY TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT, REALLY, OLD DEAR.
NO THING INTENTIONAL, REALLY.
AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING, TOO!
I DIDN'T LIKE THAT DOUBLE-CHIN CRACK!
HUH!
MY GOODNESS. WHAT A TEMPER.
Men: * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW * OHH!
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED AND EMBARRASSED IN ALL MY LIFE.
I'M GONNA GET MY CLOTHES AND GET OUT OF HERE
AND CATCH THE FIRST BOAT BACK!
AND ANOTHER THING --
AND FURTHERMORE, GET ANOTHER BOY!
GOODBYE!
[ Normal voice ] HEY, OLLIE.
WHAT?!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
BACK TO AMERICA FOR ME!
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
HEY, OLLIE!
OLLIE!
[ Crying ] AREN'T YOU GONNA TAKE ME WITH YOU?
STAN! YOU KNOW ME!
WELL, OF COURSE I KNOW YOU. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HAVE YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE DIZZY SPELLS?
[ LAUGHING ]