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[ THEME MUSIC ]
[ CROWD NOISE ]
[ MUSIC ]
WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE WE ARE IN IT.
GEE, I WISH I COULD GO.
GO WHERE?
WHY, TO WAR.
WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU GO?
THERE YOU ARE.
I KNEW YOU WOULD TAKE
THAT SELFISH VIEWPOINT.
WHY, I'D GO IN A MINUTE
IF IT WASN'T FOR MY FLAT FEET.
[ GRUNT ]
[ MILITARY MARCHING BAND ]
WELL, YOUNG FELLA,
HOW ABOUT JOINING OUR OUTFIT?
OH, TOUGH LUCK, OLD TIMER.
CAN'T USE YOU.
HEY, JIM, A COUPLE OF GOOD
PROSPECTS UP HERE.
BE NONCHALANT.
HERE HE COMES.
GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN GENERAL.
WELL, HOW ABOUT IT?
HOW ABOUT WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HOW ABOUT GETTING INTO ONE
OF THESE UNIFORMS?
I'M AWFULLY SORRY,
BUT WE ARE INCAPACITATED.
INCAPACITATED?
YES, SIR. THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF IT GOING AROUND LATELY.
JUST AS I EXPECTED--A COUPLE
OF CRUMMY, NO-GOOD SLACKERS.
TALKING LIKE THAT.
WHY, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF.
ASHAMED OF WHAT?
OH, I'M SORRY.
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO BE.
OH, COME ON, NO HARD
FEELINGS.
HERE, GET YOURSELF A CUP
OF COFFEE.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ BLOWS WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ BAND PLAYS
[ "WE'RE IN THE ARMY NOW" ]
IT'S A FINE-LOOKING OUTFIT
YOU ARE.
LOOK AT YOURSELVES!
ATTENTION!
OHH-HOO-HOO-HOO!
NOW, LISTEN, WE'RE GOING TO
TRY THIS ONCE MORE.
AND WHEN I SAY HALT,
I MEAN HALT!
AND HALT MEANS TO STOP.
ATTENTION!
SQUAD RIGHT, MARCH.
HALT!
SPLENDID.
THANK YOU, SIR.
FORWARD, MARCH!
TO THE RIGHT, MARCH!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN,
ELEVEN.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE US
DO LIKE THAT?
FALL IN! FALL IN!
YOU LUNKHEADS!
I NEVER SAW SUCH HALF-WITTED
MUGS IN ALL MY LIFE.
NOW, YOU MUGS, I AM GOING TO
GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE,
AND IF YOU DON'T GET IT RIGHT
THIS TIME, YOU'RE GOING TO GET
KITCHEN POLICE FROM NOW ON.
OHH.
WHEN HE SAYS, "TURN TO THE
RIGHT," GO THAT WAY.
FOLLOW ME.
SQUAD TO THE LEFT, MARCH!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN,
ELEVEN.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
IF YOU HAD DONE AS
THE SERGEANT TOLD YOU, WE
WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE DOING THIS.
WELL, I KNEW WHAT TO DO.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT?
WELL, I JUST COULDN'T
THINK OF IT.
COULDN'T THINK.
HEY, HURRY UP AND GET BACK
HERE WITH THOSE CANS.
SAY, WHAT DO WE DO WITH
THIS STUFF?
ARE YOU TRYING TO KID
SOMEBODY?
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
YOU DO WITH IT?
TAKE IT TO THE GENERAL.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
THE GENERAL WANTS WITH THIS?
THERE YOU GO, ASKING
QUESTIONS AGAIN.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY DOING
AS YOU ARE TOLD ONCE?
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT TO FOLLOW THE CURRICULUM
OF THE ARMY WITH DISCIPLINE?
COME ON, IF THE GENERAL
WANTS IT, HE CAN HAVE IT.
PARDON ME, BOYS.
HEY.
HEY, SALAD DEPARTMENT.
HELLO, EDDIE.
HI. WHAT HAVE YOU TWO LADIES
BEEN UP TO NOW?
WE'VE BEEN PROMOTED
TO THE CULINARY PLATOON.
[ LAUGH ]
LOOKS LIKE A SWELL JOB.
OH.
HEY, THIS ISN'T GONNA
PREVENT YOU FROM HAVING
DINNER WITH THE WIFE AND ME
FRIDAY, IS IT?
OH, NOT A CHANCE.
WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR, WE'LL BE
THROUGH WITH THIS JOB
THURSDAY.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
AND WAIT TILL YOU SEE
THAT KID OF MINE.
AND WILL SHE GO CRAZY
ABOUT YOU TWO.
HEY, SMITTY, SOMEBODY WANTS
YOU UP IN THE SOCIAL HALL.
OKAY. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
DON'T FORGET, NOW--FRIDAY.
OKAY, FRIDAY.
HE IS A GREAT GUY, ISN'T HE?
HE CERTAINLY IS.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE HIM.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
ARE YOU THE GENERAL?
NO.
IS HE HOME?
YES. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I GOT THAT STUFF FOR HIM.
WHAT STUFF?
OH, ROGERS?
YES, SIR?
COME, COME.
YOU BETTER BRING IT IN.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING.
ROGERS,
DO YOU SMELL ANYTHING?
NO, SIR, I'VE GOT A COLD
IN ME NOSE.
HMM.
UH, NO GRAPEFRUIT THIS
MORNING, ROGERS.
NO, SIR.
WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?
ROGERS! ROGERS!
ROGERS!
THIS ONE HERE, TOO.
TAKE IT OUT OF HERE,
EVERY BIT OF IT.
ROGERS! ROGERS!
[ SCREAMING ]
[ BLASTS ON WHISTLE ]
OH, HO, HO, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HIYA.
AH, THE BABY.
DO YOU LOVE ME?
YEAH, BABY, SURE YOU DO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
COULDN'T THE WIFE COME DOWN?
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
NO, I GUESS NOT.
POOR BABY.
HMM, THAT'S WHAT
I'M THINKING ABOUT.
POOR KID.
GEE, IT WOULD BE A CINCH
IF ONLY I COULD TAKE HER
TO THE FOLKS.
CAN'T YOU?
NO, WE HAD A FUSS WHEN I GOT
MARRIED, SO THAT'S OUT.
OH.
BUT WE'LL GET ALONG
ALL RIGHT, WON'T WE, HONEY?
[ BUGLE BLOWS ASSEMBLY ]
I'LL BE UP TO THE HOUSE
FRIDAY.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT THEN.
GOOD-BYE, HONEY.
SEE YOU FRIDAY.
[ BUGLE BLOWS ASSEMBLY ]
HEY, EDDIE.
WE CAN'T COME FRIDAY.
SO YOU TOLD ON ME, HUH?
YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?
OKAY, YOU SNITCHES.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA CATCH UP
WITH YOU GUYS AGAIN.
AND WHEN I DO, I'M GONNA
HAVE MY KNIFE.
AND WHEN I GOT MY KNIFE,
YOU BETTER NEVER LET ME
FIND YOU IN THE SAME STATE.
YOU GET ME?
OHH!
[ SOUNDS OF BATTLE ]
ALL RIGHT, QUICK,
RUN OUTSIDE.
COME ON,
UP AND AT 'EM, BOYS.
COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE.
GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, STEP ON IT, GET UP.
AH.
WILL YOU KEEP OFF OF ME?
[ WHISTLE AND BOOM ]
SEE WHAT THAT IS.
[ WHISTLE AND BOOM ]
[ SIGHS ]
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
ABOUT TIME THAT WE HAD
SOME FRESH WATER?
THAT ISN'T WATER.
THAT'S COFFEE.
WELL, POUR IT OUT
AND GET SOME CLEAN WATER.
NOT THERE, OUTSIDE.
COFFEE!
MM-MM-MM.
OH!
HEY, CAN'T YOU GUYS LAY OFF
FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
EVER SINCE HE GOT THE LETTER
ABOUT THE BABY, HE HASN'T
BEEN THE SAME.
SOME TROUBLE?
SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE
OLD WOMAN, AND THE KID'S BEEN
LEFT WITH STRANGERS.
WHY DON'T HE SEND HER
TO HIS FOLKS?
THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA.
COME HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
NO PLACE.
COME HERE.
[ GROANS ]
WE'LL WRITE A LETTER TO HIS
FATHER TO GO AND GET THE BABY.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET
THE ADDRESS?
WE'LL USE TACT.
COME ON, SMITH.
SMITH, COME ON.
GET UP.
COME ON, SNAP OUT OF IT.
OKAY.
OH, BOY.
HI. HAVE A GOOD SLEEP?
YEAH, SWELL.
SAY, EDDIE, WHERE'S THE BABY
LIVING NOW?
WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW FOR?
WELL, IT'S GETTING CLOSE
TO CHRISTMAS, AND WE THOUGHT
MAYBE WE'D LIKE TO SEND IT
A LITTLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
OH, GEE, THAT'S DARN NICE
OF YOU GUYS.
HOW ABOUT GIVING US
THE ADDRESS?
YEAH, YOU'LL NEED THAT,
WON'T YOU?
IT'S ON THE BACK OF THAT.
COPY IT OFF AND GIVE IT
BACK TO ME, WILL YOU?
UH, EDDIE, THERE'S ANOTHER
LITTLE ITEM.
UH, WHAT IS THE ADDRESS OF
YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER?
WHAT?
OH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO,
SEND THEM A CHRISTMAS
PRESENT, TOO?
AND HOW.
YEAH.
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
AND THAT'S OUT.
OKAY, BUDDY, TAKE YOUR HOLE.
ABOUT TIME YOU WERE
GETTING HERE.
I KNEW YOUR IDEA
WAS ALL WET.
SMITH?
YEAH?
OKAY.
[ SHOUTS IN GERMAN ]
[ SINGING ]
[ SHOUTING IN GERMAN ]
[ BATTLE SOUNDS ]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THERE'S BEEN A RAID.
DID THEY GET ANYBODY,
SERGEANT?
YEAH, THEY GOT SMITH
OUT OF HERE.
THEY GOT EDDIE.
SEND OVER A RAIDING PARTY
RIGHT AWAY AND GET A PRISONER.
YES, SIR.
WELL, WHO WANTS TO GO?
OHH!
I'LL RAID THE CAMP, SARGE.
NEVER MIND.
CONGRATULATIONS, BOYS.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
COME ON, GET GOING.
THAT'S IT, COME ON, LET'S GO.
WAIT A MINUTE, I--
NEVER MIND, LET'S GO.
BYE, OLLIE.
COME ON, YOU, TOO.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
GET OUT OF HERE.
[ SQUEALING ]
AND DON'T COME BACK
WITHOUT A PRISONER.
CORPORAL, GET TWO
REPLACEMENTS.
I THINK WE'LL NEED THEM.
OKAY, SERGEANT.
[ GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS ]
QUICK, LET'S GET IN HERE.
WE'LL BE OUT OF DANGER.
[ BATTLE SOUNDS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
OH, DO SOMETHING, QUICK,
RIGHT NOW!
[ CONFUSED YELLING ]
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
[ WHISTLE AND BOOM ]
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS
A DEAR LITTLE GIRL AND HER NAME
WAS CINDERELLA, AND SHE HAD A
STEPFATHER AND TWO UGLY
STEPSISTERS.
OH, DEAR, I DON'T KNOW
THE REST, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GO
TO BED NOW, AND I'LL TELL
YOU IT TOMORROW.
MISS ANNIE,
IS THIS MY DADDY?
YES, THAT'S YOUR DADDY.
WHEN IS HE COMING HOME?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
NOW, STAY IN THE OTHER ROOM
AND DON'T BOTHER ME.
RUN ALONG, NOW.
MR. JACK, WHERE DID MY--
WHERE DID MY DADDY GO?
GET OUT OF HERE, GO ON.
ANNIE, GET THIS BRAT
OUT OF HERE SO I CAN SLEEP.
SO YOU CAN SLEEP.
TOO BAD YOU'RE SO TIRED
THAT YOU CAN'T WATCH HER
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
SHUT UP.
NO, I WON'T SHUT UP.
SHUT UP.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS MONEY
YOU GET FOR THAT KID EVERY
MONTH, YOU'D STARVE TO DEATH,
YOU BIG LOAFER.
OH, YOU'RE STARTING IT
AGAIN, ARE YOU?
YES, AND I'M NOT FINISHED,
EITHER.
I'VE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING
AROUND HERE.
I'M GONNA FINISH IT
THIS TIME FOR YOU.
GET IN THAT KITCHEN.
COME HERE.
[ SCREAMS AND BANGING ]
OH, DADDY, DADDY, WHY DON'T
YOU COME AND TAKE ME AWAY
FROM HERE?
COME HERE.
COME OUT OF THERE.
PLEASE DON'T, PLEASE DON'T.
YOU'RE TO BLAME
FOR ALL THIS.
COME ON.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
COME IN.
GOOD MORNING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
IS THAT EDDIE SMITH'S BABY?
YEAH. WHAT ABOUT IT?
OH, COME HERE.
MY GOODNESS.
OH, HO, HO.
JUST LIKE EDDIE.
YES.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?
WE'VE COME TO TAKE HER AWAY.
YEAH? WELL, WHO ARE YOU?
WHY, I'M MR. HARDY, AND
THIS IS MY FRIEND, MR. LAUREL.
WHO GAVE YOU THE AUTHORITY
TO TAKE HER?
WELL, WE ARE FRIENDS
OF HER FATHER.
YEAH? WELL, I DON'T KNOW YOU
TWO MUGS, AND YOU AIN'T GONNA
TAKE THE KID OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT IT?
WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
YEAH.
OOH.
DO THAT AGAIN.
MMM.
SIT THERE, HONEY.
HIKE.
[ SCREAMS ]
HEH HEH HEH.
HEY, JERRY, TWO GUYS ARE
BEATIN' IT WITH THE KID.
GET 'EM.
[ SCREAMS ]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK?
GET THAT KID AND GIVE THOSE
TWO MONKEYS THE WORKS.
SURE.
DO SOMETHING TO
HELP ME HERE, QUICK.
[ YELLING AND SCREAMING ]
GO ON, GIVE IT TO 'EM!
[ SCREAMS ]
HEY, GET THE BABY
AND LET'S BEAT IT!
GET THE BABY AND LET'S BEAT IT!
GET 'EM, AL, GET 'EM.
[ YELLING ]
NOW WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO
IS FIND MR. SMITH.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE
THEY LIVE.
WILL YOU LEAVE THAT TO ME?
IT'S THE SIMPLEST THING
IN THE WORLD.
COME ON, COME ON.
PARDON ME, OFFICER.
YES.
COULD YOU HAPPEN TO TELL US
WHERE MR. SMITH LIVES?
SMITH?
YES, SIR.
SMITH, SMITH.
LET ME THINK.
WHAT SMITH?
EDDIE'S FATHER.
EDDIE WHO?
WHY, THE FATHER
OF THIS CHILD.
HEH, WHAT'S HIS NAME?
WHO?
WHY, THE FATHER
OF THIS CHILD.
THAT'S WHO YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR, ISN'T IT?
OH, NO, SIR.
THE MAN WE'RE LOOKING FOR
IS THE FATHER OF THE FATHER
OF THIS CHILD.
OH, NOW I UNDERSTAND YOU.
HA HA HA.
IT'S THE GRANDFATHER
THAT'S LOST.
YES, SIR.
OH, NO, SIR.
HE'S NOT LOST.
NO? THEN WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR HIM FOR?
WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR HIM.
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO FIND HIM.
YE--
YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT THE BABY.
OH, HE DOESN'T?
WE WERE IN FRANCE TOGETHER,
HER FATHER AND--
YES, YES, WAIT, WAIT.
JUST A MINUTE, BOYS.
NOW, RELAX, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
RELAX.
COME HERE, DARLING.
NOW, SWEETHEART, MAYBE YOU
CAN TELL ME WHO THESE
GENTLEMEN ARE LOOKING FOR.
MR. SMITH.
WELL, ISN'T THAT FINE?
NOW, HONEY, WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
WHO?
UH--
THERE.
IF YOU BOYS GET YOURSELF
A CITY DIRECTORY,
YOU'LL SAVE YOURSELF
A WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE.
COME ON.
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO STOP
HIM FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE?
IS THIS THE PLACE?
543.
IS MR. SMITH HOME?
I'M MR. SMITH.
ARE YOU EDDIE'S FATHER?
EDDIE WHO?
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE WON'T GO INTO THAT.
THANK YOU, WE'VE MADE
A LITTLE MISTAKE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
COME, SWEETHEART.
IS MR. SMITH IN?
YEAH.
HEY, STEAMBOAT, SOMEBODY
WANTS TO SEE YOU.
OKAY.
ARE YOU MR. SMITH?
YEAH, WHAT OF IT?
THIS IS YOUR SON'S BABY.
MY SON'S BABY?
YES, SIR.
OH, BLACKMAILERS, HUH?
WHAT'S THE NEXT ADDRESS?
311 CHESTER DRIVE.
COME ON.
OH, WHAT A HANDSOME
BRIDEGROOM.
IT WOULDN'T STAY
IN ITS PROPER PLACE.
WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT, PAPA.
I FEEL KIND OF FUNNY.
BEN, HOW'S THE BRIDEGROOM
HOLDING UP?
A LITTLE WEAK, BUT I GUESS
WE'LL GET HIM THERE.
EDDIE, I'M VERY PROUD TO
WELCOME YOU INTO MY FAMILY.
I KNOW THAT YOU AND MY
DAUGHTER ARE GOING TO BE
VERY HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MR. HATHAWAY.
THE BRIDE IS READY, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, SHALL WE GO?
NOW, DON'T BE NERVOUS.
COME ON, MY BOY.
ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
[ WEDDING MARCH ]
TELEGRAM FOR MR. SMITH.
SMITH?
SMITH HASN'T LIVED HERE
IN FOUR YEARS.
WOULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE HE'S MOVED TO?
HAVEN'T THE LEAST IDEA.
OKAY, THANKS.
IS THIS 311 CHESTER DRIVE?
YES.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL DO THIS.
YOU'VE GOTTEN US INTO
ENOUGH TROUBLE.
[ BELL RINGS ]
[ BELL RINGING ]
OOH!
[ LAUGHS ]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE MASTER
OF THE HOUSE.
WELL, HE'S VERY BUSY
AND CAN'T SEE YOU.
HE'LL SEE US.
TELL HIM WE'VE GOT
EDDIE'S BABY.
YES, SIR.
EDDIE'S BABY?
YES, SIR.
OH.
DON'T GO AWAY.
PLEASE, WAIT JUST A MOMENT.
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.
[ SQUEALING ]
[ WHISPERING ]
WE ARE GATHERED--
PARDON ME.
WE ARE GATHERED--
WHAT'S THIS I HEAR?
ARE YOU THE MASTER
OF THE HOUSE?
I AM.
WE'VE BROUGHT YOU
EDDIE'S BABY.
EDDIE'S BABY?
[ GASP ]
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
I KNEW YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
EDDIE DIDN'T WANT US
TO BRING HER.
NATURALLY, HE WOULDN'T, SIR.
COME WITH ME, MY DEAR.
COME WITH ME.
DON'T GO AWAY.
GET OUT OF MY WAY!
YES, SIR.
STOP!
[ PEOPLE GASP ]
SIR, WHAT'S THE MEANING
OF THIS?
YOU DON'T KNOW, HUH?
WELL, THAT MONKEY IS
THE FATHER OF THIS CHILD.
AAH!
WELL, FAN MY BROW!
I'LL TAN YOUR HIDE!
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
THE WEDDING IS OFF!
NOW, LOOK HERE, MY--
I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT I KNEW IT ALL THE TIME.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MAD
IN ALL MY LIFE.
[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]
THIS IS A FRAME-UP!
A FRAME-UP?
JUST A MINUTE.
WHO SAYS THAT I'M THE FATHER
OF THAT CHILD?
YES, WHO SAYS SO?
PLAYING INNOCENT, ARE YOU?
PARKINS, BRING THOSE
TWO MEN IN HERE.
YES, SIR, YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
WILL YOU COME RIGHT IN, SIR?
COME RIGHT IN, PLEASE.
HERE THEY ARE, SIR.
NOW, IS THIS OR IS THIS NOT
EDDIE'S BABY?
IT CERTAINLY IS.
DENY THAT IF YOU CAN.
IT'S A LIE.
YOU BLACKGUARD!
YOU BLUEBEARD.
PAPA, IT'S A FRAME-UP.
I'LL GET YOU.
I'M INNOCENT, PAPA.
OH, HOW CAN I EVER
THANK YOU?
HEH HEH.
YOU HAVE SAVED
THE FAMILY'S NAME.
[ CRASH ]
NO, PAPA! NO, PAPA!
NO, PAPA!
OH, PAPA, LET ME EXPLAIN,
LET ME EXPLAIN.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE TROUBLE, MR. SMITH?
WHY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE--
SMITH?!
YES, SIR.
DID YOU CALL ME MR. SMITH?
YES, SIR.
PARKINS, MY WINCHESTER.
YES, SIR.
MY NAME IS NOT SMITH.
IT'S HATHAWAY.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
HEH HEH HEH.
I'M AFRAID WE'VE MADE
A LITTLE FAUX PAS.
I'M AFRAID THAT YOU HAVE.
I'M SORRY IF WE'VE CAUSED
YOU ANY INCONVENIENCE.
QUITE ALL RIGHT.
OHH!
[ SCREAMS ]
THE NEXT ADDRESS
IS 49 COLDBROOK AVENUE.
IT'S JUST AROUND--
FROM NOW ON,
WE'LL TELEPHONE.
COME ON.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
UNCLE OLLIE?
I MUST HAVE CALLED UP
10,000 SMITHS.
WHERE'S UNCLE STAN?
WELL, UNCLE STAN LEFT TOWN
EARLY THIS MORNING.
WHAT FOR?
HE'S GOING TO FIND
YOUR GRANDPARENTS.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T FIND THEM.
NOW, YOU GO AHEAD AND PLAY,
BECAUSE UNCLE OLLIE'S GOT
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
UNCLE OLLIE.
[ GIGGLE ]
YOU WENT BOOM.
[ GIGGLE ]
OH, UNCLE STANLEY,
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
ANY LUCK?
NOT A BIT.
WHERE DID YOU GO?
HUH?
WHERE DID YOU GO?
I WENT ALL THE WAY
TO POUGHKEEPSIE.
AND THAT AIN'T THEM.
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT
YOU WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN
THERE TO SEE THESE TWO?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT
BE THEM.
WASTING YOUR TIME LIKE THAT
WHILE I'M HERE SLAVING ALL DAY.
WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING
TO HELP ME?
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?
WELL, YOU CAN TAKE CARE
OF THE BABY A WHILE.
I'VE GOT MY IRONING TO DO.
THE SMITH BROTHERS.
OH, MM-MM.
I'VE GOT A NEW BEDTIME STORY
TO TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS
A LITTLE GIRL, AND HER NAME
WAS GOLDILOCKS.
AND SHE LIVED AT HOME WITH HER
MOMMY AND HER DADDY.
AND SHE WENT WAY OUT
IN THE WOODS.
AND SHE WENT TO THE FIELD
WHERE THREE BEARS LIVED.
AND WHEN SHE WENT INTO THE
THREE BEARS' HOUSE, SHE SAW
THREE BOWLS OF PORRIDGE
ON THE TABLE.
AND SHE TRIED THEM ALL,
BUT ONLY THE BABY BEAR'S--
BUT ONLY THE BABY BEAR'S
PORRIDGE WAS GOOD.
AND SHE ATE IT ALL UP.
WELL, THEN SHE SAW SOME
CHAIRS, AND SHE TRIED ALL
THE CHAIRS, BUT ONLY THE BABY
BEAR'S CHAIR WAS COMFORTABLE.
SO SHE SAT RIGHT DOWN,
AND IT BROKE.
AND THEN...
SHE WENT UPSTAIRS.
AND SHE SAW THREE BEDS.
AND SHE TRIED ALL THE BEDS,
BUT ONLY THE BABY BEAR'S BED
WAS COMFY.
SO SHE WENT FAST ASLEEP.
AND THEN SUDDENLY
THE THREE BEARS CAME HOME.
AND THE FATHER BEAR SAID,
"WHO HAS BEEN EATING
MY PORRIDGE, I SHOULD
LIKE TO KNOW?"
AND THE MOTHER BEAR SAID,
"WHO'S BEEN EATING
MY PORRIDGE, I SHOULD
LIKE TO KNOW?"
AND THE BABY BEAR SAID,
"WHO'S BEEN EATING
MY PORRIDGE?
THEY'VE EATEN IT ALL UP."
AND THEN THEY WENT TO SIT DOWN.
AND THE FATHER BEAR SAID,
"WHO HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY
CHAIR, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?"
AND THE MOTHER BEAR SAID,
"WHO HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY
CHAIR, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?"
AND THE BABY SAID, "WHO'S
BEEN SITTING IN MY CHAIR,
I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?"
AND--
AND THEN--
SHH!
GET UP FROM THERE
AND PUT THAT BABY TO BED.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
[ SCREAMS ]
OH!
OHH!
AND YOU ARE POSITIVE THEY
STILL HAVE THE CHILD IN
THEIR POSSESSION?
YEAH, AND YOU'LL FIND THEM
RUNNING THAT LUNCH WAGON AT
THE CORNER OF 2nd AVENUE
AND 16th STREET.
THANKS FOR YOUR INFORMATION.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT
IMMEDIATELY.
SCAT! SCAT!
GIVE ME A CIGAR.
YES, SIR.
A NICE CIGAR COMING UP.
THERE YOU ARE, SIR.
CASH.
[ DING ]
HERE I AM.
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL!
SHE JUST WANTED TO COME
AND SEE HER UNCLES BEFORE
WE WENT FOR A WALK.
THAT'S FINE.
YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER,
MRS. McTAVISH.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER,
AS THOUGH SHE WERE
MY OWN LASSIE.
THAT'S GOOD.
HAVE A NICE TIME.
WAIT A MINUTE,
I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
YOU GUESS WHICH HAND IT'S IN
AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
BYE.
BYE, UNCLE STAN.
GOOD-BYE.
BYE, UNCLE OLLIE.
GOOD-BYE.
BYE, UNCLE OLLIE.
GOOD-BYE.
BYE, UNCLE OLLIE.
GOOD-BYE, DARLING.
AH, GOOD MORNING, SIR.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
I WANT SOME INFORMATION.
YES, SIR, WE HAVE SOME
HAMBURGERS, FRANKFURTERS,
CHOCOLATE CAKE--
OH, NO, NO, NO, THAT IS NOT
THE INFORMATION THAT I DESIRE.
IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT YOU TWO MEN HAVE IN YOUR
POSSESSION A CHILD TO WHICH
YOU HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHT.
WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
AS AN OFFICER IN THE EAST
SIDE WELFARE ASSOCIATION,
I INTEND TO PLACE THAT CHILD
IN AN ORPHANAGE WHERE
SHE BELONGS.
OVER OUR DEAD BODY, YOU'LL
PUT HER IN AN ORPHANAGE.
YOU MEAN YOU REFUSE
TO GIVE HER UP?
WE CERTAINLY DO.
HMM.
VERY WELL, THEN.
I'LL SWEAR OUT A WARRANT
FOR YOUR ARREST.
AND I'LL HAVE THAT CHILD
IN THE ORPHANAGE TONIGHT.
HEY.
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU
CHARGE ME TO HAUNT A HOUSE?
UHH!
SAY, HE CAN'T DO THAT,
CAN HE?
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID,
DIDN'T YOU?
WE HAD BETTER GET THAT KID
MOVED TO ANOTHER STREET
SO THEY CAN'T FIND US.
MOVE TO ANOTHER STREET?
WE'VE GOTTA RAISE SOME MONEY
AND GET TO ANOTHER STATE.
I WISH WE HADN'T BOUGHT
THE WAGON.
IT'S A GOOD THING WE'VE GOT
THE WAGON.
DRIVE ME TO THE FIRST
NATIONAL BANK.
WHAT FOR?
WE'LL REFINANCE
OUR BUSINESS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WITH THE WAGON?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WITH THE WAGON?
DRIVE ME TO THE BANK, AND
DON'T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.
I'LL PACK UP ON THE WAY.
AND, LISTEN, DON'T HIT
ANYTHING!
OH, I HOPE HE--
[ CRASH ]
GET ME SOME CIGARS.
WE'VE GOT TO DO
THIS THING RIGHT.
FIX YOUR TIE.
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
NOW, COME ON.
GOOD MORNING.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU THE PRESIDENT?
NO. WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS?
WELL, OUR BUSINESS
IS WITH THE PRESIDENT.
HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT?
NO.
I'M SORRY,
BUT YOU CAN'T SEE HIM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WE CAN'T SEE HIM?
I SAID YOU CAN'T SEE HIM.
WE CAN SEE HIM
IF WE WANT TO.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
THE PRESIDENT, YOU CAN'T TALK--
I SAID YOU CAN'T SEE HIM.
[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]
JUST A MINUTE, SAUNDERS.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
EXCEEDING YOUR AUTHORITY?
MY OFFICE IS OPEN TO
THE PUBLIC AT ALL TIMES.
GENTLEMEN, STEP THIS WAY,
PLEASE.
COME RIGHT IN, GENTLEMEN.
HAVE A CIGAR.
THANK YOU.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
THANK YOU.
PARDON ME.
JUST A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
[ RIP ]
HAVE A CIGAR.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
NOW, TO GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS.
YES, UH, PARDON ME
JUST A MOMENT.
GIVE ME ANOTHER WEENIE.
NOW, THEN GENTLEMEN,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WE'D LIKE TO NEGOTIATE
A LITTLE LOAN.
HMM.
HAVE YOU ANY COLLATERAL?
WELL, I'M SORRY, WE HAVEN'T
ANY COLLATERAL.
WE FIGURED TO PUT UP OUR
BUSINESS AS SECURITY.
HEH HEH.
AND WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS?
THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS.
HERE IN TOWN?
OH, ALL OVER TOWN.
HERE, THERE, AND THITHER.
HEH HEH HEH.
HMM, CHAIN BUSINESS.
NO, RESTAURANT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO PARDON
MY FRIEND.
HE'S NOT VERY FAMILIAR WITH
THESE BIG BUSINESS DEALS.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRM?
LAUREL AND HARDY,
PATRONS TO THE ELITE.
HOW MUCH DO YOU REQUIRE?
I THINK A COUPLE OF THOUSAND
DOLLARS WOULD TIDE US OVER.
I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE
ANY DIFFICULTY ABOUT THIS,
GENTLEMEN.
IF YOU, UH, GIVE ME A LITTLE
TIME ON IT, I'LL HAVE OUR
APPRAISERS DROP IN AND
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
WE CAN'T WAIT
TILL TOMORROW.
AND IS THAT PART
OF YOUR BUSINESS?
PART OF IT?
THAT'S ALL OF IT.
ALL OF IT?
YES, SIR.
[ LAUGHS ]
NOW THAT THAT'S ALL SETTLED,
COULD WE HAVE THE MONEY
RIGHT AWAY?
WHY, TO LEND YOU $2,000 ON
A BUSINESS LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE
TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.
[ LAUGHS ]
LOOK, HE'S UNCONSCIOUS.
[ ALARM BELL ]
[ SIRENS ]
[ WHISTLE BLOWS REPEATEDLY ]
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
STOPPED.
I'VE BEEN CHASING YOU
FOR THREE BLOCKS.
HERE, YOU DROPPED THIS
UP THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
IT'S THE SUDDEN SHOCK,
OFFICER.
THIS IS HIS LIFE SAVINGS.
YOU HAD BETTER PUT IT IN
THE BANK WHERE IT'S SAFE.
YES, SIR, WE WILL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD-BYE.
TWO.
OH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I JUST HEARD A RUMOR THAT
YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
[ SCREAMS ]
YOU HAD BETTER GET OVER
THERE QUICK.
WHAT HOUSE?
OH, I JUST TOLD HER THAT
TO GET RID OF HER.
COME ON, GET THAT TRUNK,
AND THEN GET PACKED.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
NOW, YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.
OH, I'VE GOT TO HIDE.
OOH.
NOW, YOU LAY RIGHT THERE.
STAY COVERED AND DON'T MOVE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I GOT LOCKED IN.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
IT WAS YOU?
IT WAS SO DARK I DIDN'T
THINK YOU'D HEAR ME.
I'M SCARED.
OH, COME ON AND GET THAT
TRUNK PACKED.
DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE
COMING?
WHERE'S THE BABY?
I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT CAN
YOU TELL ME WHERE THOSE TWO
MEN LIVE THAT RUN THAT LUNCH
COUNTER ACROSS THE STREET?
YEAH, OVER THERE IN
THE BROWNSTONE, UPSTAIRS.
OOH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
LOOK, THEY'RE COMING!
COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE.
JUST TAKE HER.
HIDE HER UP THE CHIMNEY.
OH, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
PUT HER OVER THERE.
HIDE HER SOMEWHERE.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU.
GET OUT OF THERE.
PUT HER IN THE DUMBWAITER
WHILE I GET THINGS CLEANED UP.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
BE NONCHALANT.
NOT HERE.
PICK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
COME IN.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WELL, GETTING READY
TO LEAVE, EH?
I GUESS WE'RE JUST IN TIME.
WHERE'S THAT BABY?
WHAT BABY?
SEARCH THE PLACE.
GET OFF THERE.
GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY, COME OUT OF THERE.
THAT'S NO PLACE FOR YOU
TO PLAY.
GO AND SIT OVER THERE UNTIL
I GET THROUGH.
TRY THE KITCHEN.
WATCH THAT DOOR.
OOH!
GET AWAY.
GET BACK, GET OUT OF THE WAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ SIRENS ]
WELL, I GUESS
THE GAME IS UP.
I THOUGHT YOU'D COME
TO YOUR SENSES.
WHERE IS SHE?
UP ON THE ROOF.
GET THAT LADDER.
SHH.
[ SCREAMS ]
OPEN THAT DOOR!
QUICK, GO TO THE DUMBWAITER
AND SEND IT BACK FOR ME.
[ SCREAMS ]
OOH!
HEY, HURRY AND SEND IT UP.
OPEN THAT DOOR IN THE NAME
OF THE LAW.
OH, HURRY!
[ CRACK ]
OH, HURRY.
SEND IT!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
SEND IT UP!
OH!
OHH!
QUICK, DOWNSTAIRS!
OH, QUICK, LET'S HIDE.
HERE.
DID YOU SEE ANYTHING
OF THEM?
THEY DIDN'T COME OUT HERE.
WATCH THE SIDE ENTRANCE.
WE'LL SEARCH THE BASEMENT.
COME ON.
SEARCH THAT COAL BIN.
SHH.
[ SCREAMS ]
GET OUT OF HERE!
[ SIRENS ]
HERE THEY ARE.
NOW, DON'T GET EXCITED, DEAR.
IS THIS THE PAIR, SIR?
YES, THAT'S THEM.
DID YOU GET THE MONEY?
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
COME ON, YOU TWO.
GET GOING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS BOY WITH YOU
EDDIE SMITH?
SURE.
OH, MOTHER.
YES, DEAR?
MOTHER, LOOK HERE.
MY BOY.
YES.
WHY, I--
ARE YOU EDDIE'S FATHER?
YES.
WELL, CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
LOOKING FOR YOU FOR MONTHS,
MR. SMITH.
YOU HAVE?
YES, THAT'S EDDIE'S BABY.
WHAT?
WHY, OH, MY DEAR.
OH, EDDIE'S BABY.
OH, DARLING.
OH, OFFICER,
RELEASE THESE GENTLEMEN.
DINNER IS SERVED, SIR.
ARRANGE FOR THREE MORE,
MEADOWS.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
GEE, WE HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE
FINDING YOU, MR. SMITH.
WELL, BOYS, YOU CAN PACK UP
YOUR TROUBLES FROM NOW ON.
SEE, AIN'T THAT GREAT?
NO MORE TROUBLES.
NO MORE--
[ CRASH ]
WHAT? WHAT--WHAT--
WHATEVER'S THE MATTER, PIERRE?
LISTEN, YOU, IF YOU WANT
COMPANY FOR DINNER,
YOU CAN COME OUT
AND COOK IT YOURSELF.
WHY, I, UH--
WELL, IF IT AIN'T
THE SNITCHES.
AND I GOT MY KNIFE.
OHH!
[ SCREAMS ]