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[Rachel] Hey, just calling you back. I got your text, and I think you're right.
I think we need to cancel the tour,
and I think we should just push back the filming of the special
because this COVID thing seems pretty crazy.
And we'll just, uh, film it when the world's back to normal.
♪ Here's your chance Do your dance at the Space Jam ♪
♪ All right ♪
["Space Jam" by Quad City DJ's playing]
[cheers and applause]
♪ Come on and slam And welcome to the jam ♪
♪ Come on and slam… ♪
How are we all doing, rural Massachusetts?
[cheers and applause]
[Rachel] Great.
All right. Now, let's talk about trees that smell like cum.
[laughter]
And as I say that, I want to call out,
there appears to be a child in the front row.
Um…
So… trees that smell like cum.
You know what I'm talking about, right? Those trees that sm-- Yeah.
These trees are called the Bradford pear.
And did you know,
they are pest-resistant, disease-free,
they can grow in any type of soil,
and if you hold your nose and look up at these trees when they're blossoming,
they sprout these beautiful white flowers
that kind of rain down, poetically.
But we judge these trees.
Why?
Because they occasionally smell like cum? Okay.
Fine. They're basically college me in plant form.
So, in doing my research about these trees,
I came across a song written about them in 1915
that I think does them the justice that they deserve.
Hit it!
[piano jingle plays]
♪ Darling, meet me under the cum tree ♪
♪ It would be so grand to see you there ♪
♪ What a pleasure to be kissed ♪
♪ Where it smells like boner piss ♪
♪ Ah, to meet under the cum tree ♪
♪ Is so fair ♪
♪ Darling, meet me under the cum tree ♪
♪ Do you know the way to paradise? ♪
♪ Take a left at the stream ♪
♪ Till you smell yeast and chlorine ♪
♪ It is then you've hit the cum tree And that's nice ♪
♪ Then we'll take a jaunt Out to the cunt tree ♪
♪ I mean the tree That smells just like a cunt ♪
♪ I'll bring the rind of Brie cheese Reminiscent of a dick sneeze ♪
♪ And we'll have ourselves a picnic At the lakefront ♪
♪ But first meet me under the cum tree ♪
♪ With its gorgeous oaken flowers White and pert ♪
♪ I'll say, "Darling, I love you so" ♪
♪ Then to the chapel we will go ♪
♪ And we'll find a lady pastor Who can squirt ♪
-[music ends] -[laughter, cheers, and applause]
Thank you.
[softly] Really, thank you.
Full disclosure, I wrote that song.
Yeah, uh, I wrote that in a k-hole after watching the movie Mary Poppins.
So, that is not
the only tree… that I think gets a bad rap for its smell.
-I'm gonna tell you about another. -[man] Oh God, please don't!
[Rachel laughs breathily]
Did someone just say, like, "Oh God, please don't"?
[chuckles softly]
Is someone heckling me at my special?
I heard it from over here. Wait. Did someone say something? Am I crazy?
-[man] I said don't, we're good. -[gasps]
[woman] No, do! Please do!
Wait. Okay. Here's the thing.
This is terrible.
But also this might be really good TikTok content
to promote the special when it comes out.
So, I… If you'll indulge me for just a moment,
can we get the house lights up so I can talk to this person real quick?
[scattered clapping and laughter]
Okay, can we get-- Is there any way to get a little more light on him?
Okay. Um, cool.
Um, sir… Sir, okay. So I have some questions for you.
Um, so you're--
You know this is, like, my special, right? We're filming this, but you're still…
That's what you're doing? You're here to heckle me?
[man] I…
-I guess, yeah. -[Rachel] Okay.
Really quickly, can I ask you a question about you people?
And… [chuckles]
And this is the one time in my life I've ever said, "You people."
What motivates… you people to do this? Like, to… to heckle?
I wanna talk about this on a deeply empathetic and psychological level.
Like, you fucking asshole. What… What is your deal?
I'm Death.
What?
[man] I said…
[echoing over speakers] I'm Death.
[chuckles] Hi. Um, sorry. I… I don't know what's going on.
I don't know, um… why this guy's amplified.
-Uh, I have a whole special to film. -[man] Right.
So, we need to get this guy out of here.
-Security? -Security?
-Can we get this guy out of here? -Oh, you don't believe me that I'm Death?
-No, sir, I don't believe you're Death. -You don't wanna do this…
[sighs] I hate to do this to you, but you're twisting my arm.
I'm so sorry. [shouts]
-[rumbling] -I'm really sorry!
Oh my God! Stop choking them!
-Do you believe me that I'm Death now? -What? Yes!
Just stop choking our all-female security team.
-Okay, I'll stop! -[rumbling ends]
Oh, you poor things, get over here.
Oh, that hurt me more than it hurt you.
It is not your time yet. Hear me? Get out of here.
And you… Oh, you beautiful creature.
[kisses] I'll see you in two weeks.
[audience laughing]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Holy fucking shit, you're…
-You're actually Death. -Yeah, I said it so many times.
[Rachel] Uh…
What are you doing at my special?
Oh, they're giving out tickets to this thing.
No, I'm kidding. I just sort of figured that you'd be talking about me.
Why would I be talking about you?
Come on, Rachel. You and I know that you have plenty to say about death.
Okay, okay. Um… with all due respect,
-Your Highness? -I'll take it.
-[laughter] -Uh…
I have a very light, and raunchy, and fun show planned 'cause…
I don't have to tell you. It's been a rough past few years.
And I just don't think anyone wants to hear about death right now.
Aw… [inhales]
But I do. [exhales] So… why don't you give it a shot?
I ju… Um, I just don't know what I'd say. I don't have any material, I don't know…
Sorry, let me… I'll rephrase that for you.
[speakers warbling]
[echoing deeply over speakers] Why don't you give it a shot?!
[rumbling, clanking]
[scattered laughter and light clapping]
-Okay, I'll give it a shot. -Oh good. Thank you.
Um… Okay, um…
The sudden…
one might say, ubiquitous presence of death
that started… a couple years ago,
uh… took us by surprise, I think,
because, most of us, we don't go around thinking about death.
And then, just like… poof, it was everywhere.
[exhales deeply]
Is this good?
[chuckling] I am loving this, yeah!
I don't know… I don't know, I don't know…
What do you say about… What do you say about death?
Death is awful. It's awful.
And it's sad, and…
it's horrifying.
And frankly… it's un-American.
-[light laughter] -Death is un-American.
Because, in America, we are all taught from a very young age
to forget the bad, and focus on the good.
We have this blind optimism that's everywhere in our culture.
Starting with our national anthem, of course.
And I quote…
"I put my hands up. They're playing my song."
[laughter]
"And I know I'm gonna be okay."
Right.
So… yeah, I… I never thought… I never thought about death much.
And then…
I got pregnant. Okay.
So, pre-pregnancy,
the way that I saw time was very vague.
One year just kinda bled into the next.
I was always in my nebulous thirties.
But then I got pregnant,
and I downloaded something called a pregnancy tracking app on my phone.
And if you don't know these apps, they track your fetal development
on a weekly basis.
And they try to make it fun.
They compare your baby's size to different kinds of fruit.
So, nine weeks in, they're the size of a strawberry.
It does this every week until, by the end of the pregnancy,
it's run out of new fruit.
And it starts to go to some fruit B-sides.
So, your baby is 30 weeks old, they're the size of a Peruvian cherimoya.
And… and it's like, I've nev… I've never heard of that fruit.
I guess I need to travel more,
but now I can't, because of this fucking rambutan.
Okay, so the point is, I was forced
to suddenly look at time on a granular, weekly basis.
And I became very aware of time passing.
And one day, it hit me. "Oh my God."
"Someday my dog is gonna die."
-[audience] Aww… -Okay. I'm not an idiot.
Of course, I've always known someday my dog will die.
But when I thought about it before pregnancy,
it always happened in this far-off, hazy future where, by then,
they'll have found a cure for dog death.
But pregnancy… made me do the math.
And for the rest of the time I was pregnant,
all I could think about and fixate on
was my soon-to-be-dead dog.
So this is a photo of the actual corner of my daughter's nursery.
-[audience reacting] -[Rachel] Yeah.
This is a shrine
to a dog who is still alive!
I just…
I couldn't handle losing my dog. I love my dog so much,
as evidenced by the many portraits of her I've commissioned from Etsy artists.
-I… -[laughter]
And I still, to this day, I love my dog as much as I love my human daughter
The only difference between them is my dog didn't come out of me.
Although, let me be clear, I wish she had.
Dog owners out there, wouldn't it have been an honor
to birth your dog?
[clapping and whoops]
It would have… Wouldn't it have been the greatest privilege
for you… if you… you just fully go into labor.
And then, for months, you're picking hair out of yourself, but you don't care.
It was worth it.
Okay, so I'm in the middle of my pregnancy and in the middle of this dead dog panic
and then my husband and I hire someone called a business manager,
to help manage our finances.
Because, even though I've taken classes in experimental clowning,
I don't know what a 1099 form is.
So, we get this business manager, and we say, "Hey, we're gonna be parents."
"Help us organize our shit."
And he looks over our finances. He says, "Okay, I see you have a dog."
I say, "Yes, I do. She's very beautiful."
"Do you wanna see the shrine. He goes, "That's okay."
Uh… "But you should go on something called 'Pet Health Insurance.'"
Great. A week later, he goes, "Know what?"
"Actually, I found you a cheaper pet health insurance."
"So I went ahead and switched you to that one."
Now what he didn't say was to get us out of the first insurance,
he told them our dog died.
So, one day I'm walking my dog,
and I come home, and I open up the mail
to find… this.
[audience chuckling]
Can we open up that card, please?
[audience laughing]
This card is signed by everyone who worked at the first insurance company.
So, I have
no idea what's going on.
You understand, for the past 20 minutes, I have been walking a dog…
that I am now being told… is dead.
And even after I found out what this card was and why it existed,
it fucked with me for months.
And not just because I had engaged in minor insurance fraud, by the way.
It fucked with me because this card
put into print my pregnancy anxiety.
Yes. Someday my dog will die,
and this is exactly what it will look like,
And it dawned on me how inherently tragic the act of having a dog even is.
Because when you have a dog, you love someone
who not only will die before you,
but you hope… will die before you.
My dog is 14 now.
And… that pregnancy anxiety never really went away.
I still get very depressed
over her… let's just be honest, more and more impending demise.
And the one thing that snaps me out of it
is thinking about the Rainbow Bridge.
And if you don't know what that is, the Rainbow Bridge is this idea
that when our pets die,
they go to a beautiful meadow where they are healed of every ailment.
And then when we die, we join them in that meadow, and then, together,
hand in paw… or hand in… talon,
we cross over a Rainbow Bridge into the afterlife.
This idea is so profound to me, and…
it has also inspired some of the most beautiful pieces of art
that I've ever seen on the Internet.
I like to curate them. Can we show one of my favorites?
-Yeah. -[audience laughing]
This painting cost $15,000.
And there's one more I want to show you. Can we go to the next one?
-Yeah. -[audience laughs]
Here's what gets me.
An adult painted this.
[audience laughing]
This is from a website called, "musicteachergifs.com".
This artist has many beautiful tributes to animals.
There is another painting of a bunch of dogs playing violin,
and it's called "Fiddler on the Woof."
I love this idea of the Rainbow Bridge.
I really… I really do. Especially because, as an atheist,
my belief in the Rainbow Bridge
is the only belief I have.
And when I think about the day that I might be there,
in that meadow…
What will that be like?
My heart is filled with joy,
and also,
with song.
[solemn piano melody playing]
♪ I see an iguana with wings ♪
♪ And over there's A glowing parrot that sings ♪
♪ Animals are all around me ♪
♪ And the whole place stinks ♪
♪ I see a headless kitty cat ♪
♪ And her head grow magically back ♪
♪ I don't know where I am ♪
♪ But then I glimpse beyond a ridge ♪
♪ I'm standing at the base Of the rainbow bridge ♪
♪ As a doberman humps my thigh ♪
♪ I try to recall how I died ♪
♪ The memory's hazy ♪
♪ But I think my last words were ♪
A tampon soaked in vodka? I'll try anything once.
♪ But no time to dwell over that ♪
♪ 'Cause look at that harp-playing rat ♪
♪ Yeah, that's a rat playing a harp ♪
♪ While her little rat friends Raid a broken fridge ♪
♪ It's gross here at the base Of the Rainbow Bridge ♪
♪ Then, suddenly I hear Some paws come padding near ♪
♪ It's my old dog ♪
♪ And as I hug her with glee Another voice says, "Wait for me" ♪
♪ It's my second dog ♪
♪ I worry there might be tension ♪
♪ Because the new dog Replaced the old dog ♪
♪ But surprisingly ♪
♪ It's all good ♪
[audience members] Aww…
♪ And as we cross over the ridge ♪
♪ Coming up on that bridge ♪
♪ I'm joined by a goldfish I won in fifth grade at a fair ♪
♪ She lived only three days What a shame ♪
♪ So, I don't remember her name ♪
♪ So I just say, "Hey… you" ♪
♪ And she says, "Wow!" ♪
♪ It's awkward at the base Of the Rainbow Bridge now ♪
♪ And as we prepare to pass on ♪
♪ I say, "Hey" ♪
♪ "What happens to those who've gone?" ♪
♪ Who never had a pet ♪
♪ What happens when petless people die? ♪
♪ The animals say, "Don't you fret" ♪
♪ "They get reincarnated as pets" ♪
♪ In fact, I am your grandpa He is your great uncle ♪
♪ And that goldfish is Your dead cousin Midge ♪
♪ I got answers at the base Of the Rainbow Bridge ♪
♪ I have no follow up questions At the base of the Rainbow Bridge ♪
♪ If you don't have a pet ♪
♪ You become someone else's ♪
♪ Pet ♪
-[song ends] -[cheers and applause]
You know, Death, I, uh… You were right.
I guess I do have some stuff to say about you.
[Death] Yeah, no, that was great. So you just made all that up on the spot?
After I redirected you?
You just sang a full song.
There were pictures, there was tech involved. You…
wanna walk me through the logistics of that?
Yeah. That's a good question.
I actually have some, uh, logistical questions for you too.
You're the idea of death in human form. How's that work? Walk us through the math.
Also, what religion is right? It would solve a lot of problems.
And also, why do you look so much like my friend,
moderately successful actor,
always stuck between leading man and character roles, David Hull?
[clapping and whooping]
That's a devastating description of a man.
I'm good to move on.
-So am I. So, Death… -Great.
Now that I've done a little of what you wanted, I talked about you,
can I please go back and do the song I was gonna do before you heckled me?
'Cause, okay, I did the cum tree song. It… killed.
-Is that how you remember that? -It absolutely killed.
I think I'd know what killed and what didn't.
Okay.
So, I did the cum tree song, all right, then my next song
is about a bush… that smells like a bush.
[Death groans lightly]
It's called "Bush Bush," and it is 15 minutes long.
Wow. Wow, and you wonder why you've never been asked to host SNL?
[chuckles]
And why don't you stop changing the subject, huh?
You're not done talking about me yet.
I'm… I…
-What else is there to say? -What else?
[scoffs] Wow, that's hurtful.
[scoffs] Why?
Because, Rachel, in 2020, you and I kinda had a thing.
I… Excuse me?
Oh. You don't remember.
Am I wrong to suggest you were confronted by death in the year 2020?
-No. -No. Well that means we had a thing.
And it was serious.
You stared into the great abyss.
That's what I call my butthole.
[audience laughs]
Now, you're just gonna pretend that none of that ever happened?
Wow, that just really is gaslighty.
Okay, please do not use my favorite word against me.
Then… Then stop. Talk. Just…
What are you doing? Need some help getting started? Uh…
Why don't you talk about your daughter?
-My daughter? -Talk about your daughter.
See what happens.
[sighs] Fine. So…
Whatever, um…
When COVID hit, I was nine months pregnant. Okay?
And instead of freaking out,
I did the opposite. I decided to not think about it all.
'Cause I was… busy doing other things. Right?
I was fully growing a human.
I was worried about my dead-alive dog.
And I was frantically trying to finish up a new musical
before I went on maternity leave. And my writing partner,
he lived in New York, where I heard COVID was getting kinda bad.
But he didn't seem worried, so I wasn't worried.
So, it's late February 2020,
and while people around me are starting to freak out,
here's what I'm doing instead.
[heavy bass music playing]
[audience laughing]
Yeah, pretty cool.
I call this video… "America."
Uh, so, I'm yeah… I'm having a blast.
Uh, I'm feeling great.
My baby is now the size of a Peruvian sky melon.
Um, or whatever.
And I'm having a great time.
And I keep having a great time, until it's a month later.
It's late March 2020, and I'm giving birth, finally.
And it's the most profound moment of my life.
But once again… I'm dancing.
["Space Jam" by Quad City DJ's playing]
[monitor beeping]
You might recognize the song.
♪ Come on and slam ♪
♪ And welcome to the jam ♪
♪ Come on and slam ♪
♪ If you wanna jam ♪
-[OB] Push now. -[Rachel laughing]
["Space Jam" continues]
♪ J-Jam ♪
[Rachel laughs, inhales]
[OB] And push. Go, go, go. Quick, quick, quick.
-Yeah. -[laughter]
I call this video
"Epidural."
So, as you can see, I don't have the vibe of
woman pushing out baby during global pandemic.
I'm in a great mood.
I have my favorite song playing on continuous loop.
Because it's the first sound I want my child to hear
when she enters this mortal plane.
And I'm really looking forward to shitting myself on the table.
This is something a lot of women fear happening during childbirth.
But I find the idea so freeing.
Because when else in life could you,
with an open naked asshole,
shit yourself in front of strangers and not get arrested?
Sounds like Rumspringa for my anus.
So I am on the birthing table. And I'm pushing.
I'm pushing. And my baby starts to come out.
And I help pull her out myself by her armpits
'cause I like to take my own cakes out of the oven.
And I look at her.
And she's purple.
And I notice that her cry isn't loud.
It's not like I've heard in… movies. It's not, like, a loud cry.
It sounds like she's underwater, and I don't know what to think.
So I look at my doctor, and my doctor looks worried.
And she tells my husband to run into the hallway
and yell for a baby nurse stat.
She tells him to yell the word "stat." "Yell 'stat.'"
And then she turns to me and goes, "It's gonna be fine."
And I… instantly believe her
because, atheist or not,
I am still a Jew.
And as we all know, the real God of the Jews is any doctor.
So an hour goes by, I get in a wheelchair.
They wheel me into a place called the NICU.
The neonatal ICU.
Where a nurse tells me my daughter has been born with fluid still in her lungs.
It's a condition called TTN.
And the first time I properly see her,
'cause they took her off my chest so quickly,
she's got heart monitors
all over her stomach and chest.
And she's got a tube down her nose,
a tube down her throat, an IV in her little hand,
and she's on a ventilator.
And my doctor's not there to tell me it's gonna be fine.
So I just start sobbing.
Like, hard.
And I'm sobbing,
in this room, the NICU,
that is the saddest place I've ever been in my life.
But it also kinda looks like a fucked-up baby spa.
Because…
the reason a lot of babies go to the NICU, apparently,
is to be treated for something called jaundice.
And the way you treat it is you take newborn baby,
and put them under a UV sun lamp,
with giant goggles on their face.
It looks so profoundly stupid.
They look like the inspiration behind Minions.
if that makes any sen--
Makes sense to you, right?
So I'm in this Despicable Me baby spa…
crying my eyes out.
And I wanna learn more about this condition, TTN.
I don't know anything, right?
Ten to 15% of babies go to the NICU, but no one told me that.
So I don't know anything, I don't know shit about baby problems.
So I take out my phone,
and I start googling TTN,
and 20 minutes later,
I am just down a full Internet rabbit hole
of the worst message boards,
where I learn that,
"Hey, did you know that anything can kill a baby?"
Yeah. Oh yeah. Anything.
Like, the wrong car seat position,
or a swaddle comes over their face, and it suffocates them.
But then you look at pictures of babies in the 1950s,
And they have, like, a scotch in one hand,
and a… and a Cuban cigar in the other.
And they're performing onstage in Vegas with the Rat Pack.
But the message boards all say, "Well, no."
"That doesn't mean that was good, that was very bad for those babies."
Dean Martin groped a lot of those babies.
Babies have been, and always will be, fragile.
So even though my daughter ended up being okay. And she is okay.
-[whooping] -It was a temporary condition.
Yeah, she's okay. She's fine.
For the rest of her infancy,
I couldn't stop thinking about the message boards
And I couldn't unsee the tubes,
and the wires, and the ventilator.
And I just was constantly panic-stricken that something worse was gonna happen.
And that fear was always in the back of my head.
Every single second.
Even when I had to be
soothing.
[gentle melody playing]
[exhales deeply]
[audience chuckling]
♪ Here you are ♪
♪ In my arms ♪
♪ So small and frail ♪
♪ Here you rest ♪
♪ On my chest ♪
♪ Helpless and pale ♪
♪ On your forehead, I plant a sweet kiss ♪
♪ We are a mural of maternal bliss ♪
♪ I love you so much I could cry ♪
♪ Now hush, go to sleep ♪
♪ And please ♪
♪ Don't die ♪
[shushing]
♪ When you sleep ♪
♪ It's so sweet ♪
♪ You slumber with grace ♪
♪ And when I can't see your chest rise ♪
♪ I scream in your face ♪
Hey, wake up, be alive!
[chuckles softly]
♪ Newborn horses can trot ♪
♪ Turtle hatchlings can swim ♪
♪ Which is how turtle mommies Have time for the gym ♪
♪ Birds pop out of their eggs ♪
♪ And start learning to fly ♪
♪ But you're not a falcon ♪
♪ So please ♪
♪ Don't… ♪
[squawks]
♪ That's falcon for "die" ♪
♪ It also means "twig" ♪
♪ Hush little baby ♪
♪ Don't say a word ♪
♪ Unless it's to say That a strand of hair ♪
♪ Has somehow become Wrapped around your toe ♪
♪ And it's cutting off ♪
♪ Your circulation ♪
♪ And then the toe turns blue And we call 911 ♪
♪ And your whole foot has to Be amputated ♪
♪ It's a real thing called ♪
♪ Hair tourniquet syndrome ♪
♪ So hush, little baby ♪
♪ Unless you have… that ♪
Checklist.
♪ Crib is bare ♪
♪ No toe hair ♪
♪ Your swaddle's… not bad ♪
♪ Though I know ♪
♪ If you were to go ♪
♪ I'd just blame your dad ♪
♪ And it would dissolve our marriage ♪
♪ It's not just your dying That fills me with dread ♪
♪ But the feeling I'd have ♪
♪ If you ever got dead ♪
♪ Balloons shouldn't say "It's a boy" ♪
♪ Or "It's a girl" ♪
♪ They should say ♪
♪ It's a thing that will ruin you forever If it stops ♪
♪ I will do what it takes ♪
♪ To keep you alive ♪
♪ Even if it kills me I'll make you survive ♪
♪ If you suffocate, you're grounded ♪
♪ So, don't even try ♪
♪ And you just fell asleep ♪
♪ So please ♪
♪ Don't die ♪
♪ Please don't… ♪
[squawks]
♪ This is ♪
♪ Hell ♪
-[musical flourish] -[sighs deeply]
-[song ends] -[cheers and applause]
So… Uh, yeah.
That… Yeah, that's the story of my
brief fling with… death, or, you know, whatever.
[Death] That's it?
Come on, Rachel. You know that's not it.
[Rachel sighs deeply]
Okay, yeah.
[exhales] Yeah, I know what you want me to talk about.
You want me to talk about… Adam?
Why is that so hard?
No, I'm not gonna do that.
I… I…
I've done so much of what you've wanted tonight.
Come on. I rerouted the whole special.
I talked about my pregnancy anxiety.
I talked about my daughter being in the NICU.
I switched from a handheld mic to a face mic.
We're in full vulnerable, one-woman-show mode now.
Just please, man, give me some mercy here.
Can I not talk about… that?
That… [chuckles]
By that, you mean me?
-Yeah, I guess I do-- -Rachel, I'm used to people ignoring me.
Uh, pretending that I don't exist, but I… [chuckles]
I kinda thought that you'd be different. I thought that you'd get it.
But here I am, begging for you to acknowledge me,
and you won't even do that.
Up there dancing around the subject. And you know what? That hurts me.
Okay? That hurts me so much.
That… well…
[upbeat music playing]
♪ When I was a kid ♪
♪ They laughed at my scythe and my cloak ♪
♪ And now that I'm grown ♪
♪ I'm still just as much of a joke ♪
♪ I'm at your births Your weddings, your wakes ♪
♪ But no one wants to see me ♪
♪ I try to say "Hi" But I can't catch a break ♪
♪ You wouldn't want to be me ♪
♪ And I feel just like Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ Did you see that show? That's totally me ♪
♪ His name isn't Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ It's just Evan Hansen Anyway ♪
♪ That's how I feel ♪
[audience laughing]
♪ No one sees Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ He's a forgettable guy ♪
♪ And no one notices me ♪
♪ 'Cause no one likes to think about The fact that they'll die ♪
♪ No one knows Evan Hansen's name ♪
♪ And I don't even have one ♪
♪ Yeah, Evan Hansen and I Are exactly the same ♪
♪ He has a cast And I killed Princess Diana ♪
With the help of the Queen, okay. It wasn't all me
It was mostly the Queen, actually.
♪ I feel just like Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ Like the nerdy kid That got stood up for the prom ♪
♪ I wish I was friends with the guy Who killed himself ♪
♪ That's the plot of Dear Evan Hansen ♪
[audience laughing]
♪ What do I do to make my mark? ♪
♪ Maybe I could just stop killing ♪
♪ Yeah, nobody dies ♪
♪ I'd be a hero for sure ♪
♪ But if I spared everyone ♪
♪ They wouldn't know It was me who spared them ♪
♪ Yeah, they'd probably think It was everyone's favorite ♪
♪ Jesus Christ! ♪
♪ So, maybe I go In the opposite direction and ♪
♪ Kill more people ♪
♪ Yeah, I think it's time for a… ♪
♪ A global pandemic? ♪
Shit, no, I just did that.
[music stops]
I… [chuckles]
I just did that.
[groans]
I can't do anything right.
-[music resumes] -♪ I feel just like Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ Like the movie, 'cause you people Also didn't see that ♪
♪ I wish I could just move on ♪
♪ But like Dear Evan Hansen Is waving through a window ♪
♪ I'm gesturing behind a glass door ♪
♪ A door made of glass ♪
♪ Or maybe it's something else That's made of glass ♪
♪ A windshield or a mirror Or maybe it's a telescope ♪
♪ Something I can wave through Like Dear Evan Hansen ♪
♪ Well, anyway ♪
♪ That's how I ♪
♪ Feel ♪
-[drum solo plays] -[holding final note]
-[song ends] -[applause]
[loud cheering and clapping]
Um…
[clears throat] Uh, Death…
[clapping dies down]
That was amazing.
-[chuckling] Really? -Yeah.
Thanks so much. I tried to really focus on acting the lyrics instead of just singing.
-If that makes any sense? -Great technique.
Thank you. Coming from you, that means a lot.
Um…
And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I owe you an apology.
-Oh yeah? -Yeah.
This whole time, I haven't understood where you've been coming from.
But now that you've put all of your feelings into the form of an…
underdog musical-theater power ballad…
[audience laughs]
…I get it?
So…
Okay. I'll do what you want. I'll talk about the…
The thing you want me to talk about.
[Death] Oh.
Really?
Yeah. I'll be…
brave, like you.
Good.
Yeah. No, that is good. Sorry.
It was just a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be.
-I actually prepared a reprise if-- -No, I'm good.
[Death] No? Okay. See ya.
-[cheering and clapping builds] -Feel free.
[applause continues]
-[exhales deeply] -[applause dies down]
Okay. Um…
All right, so…
Let's go back to late March 2020, right?
Okay.
I've just given birth, I've seen my daughter in the NICU.
Um, and then they send me back to my room to get some sleep.
But I can't sleep.
I feel… horrible.
And I'm thinking to myself,
"I don't wanna feel this way. I wanna be back in denial."
"I wanna feel normal."
"I'm gonna check my email."
Yes.
Great idea.
I want to delete spam right now.
What a joy to
unsubscribe from MeUndies.
So, I take out my phone.
And I start checking my email.
And I'm scrolling through bullshit. And it's great. I'm getting nice and numb.
And then I come across an email from my friend Steven.
With the subject line,
"Hoping for a speedy recovery, please read."
And I open up the email.
And it's the news that my writing partner, Adam, has COVID.
So he was the guy in New York that I'd been writing the musical with.
Now, this makes no sense to me,
because I had just been texting with him
a couple days before about something really stupid.
Uh, so…
Basically, my whole pregnancy we had this running joke
where I would try to gross him out with my changing body.
And I had texted him, "My mucus plug fell out."
And he texted back, instantly,
"That's mucus to my ears."
I could never faze him.
And that was two days before I gave birth.
And now Steven is telling me he has COVID.
And not only does he have COVID, he has it really bad.
He's in a New York hospital on a ventilator.
And I'm stunned.
Because, suddenly, two people I love are on ventilators
on… either coast.
And it feels cosmic.
But not in a good way.
I'm actually baffled when people use the word cosmic like it's a good thing.
"Oh… oh, I'm so in touch with the cosmos."
Well, the cosmos are vast, and cold, and unforgiving,
and they don't care about you, so, to be in touch with them is to be alone.
So…
for the first time in years…
I was helpless,
I prayed.
And my prayer, it started with an apology.
I said, "Dear God, I'm very sorry that I haven't… spoken to you in a long time."
"I'm also sorry that I regularly tell everyone you don't exist."
-[audience laughs] -[sighs]
"But you get why I'd think that."
"Right? I mean, like, you understand
how I could very logically come to that conclusion."
"Okay. Table that for now, God."
"For now, please…"
"Please, please keep my daughter safe, and please keep Adam safe."
"And if you do that, in exchange,
I will think about becoming agnostic."
So the next couple days in the hospital are chaos.
Uh, I'm added to this big email chain
from Adam's girlfriend, letting all of us know how he's doing with his health.
And it's down to his latest vital sign.
And his health is just going up and down and up and down, and then,
we get word that the CDC, overnight,
has changed the rules of who can be in the NICU.
So now only one parent is allowed in at a time.
So to see our daughter, my husband and I
have to wait in this long line of anxious parents.
And then we find out that they're turning the other half of the maternity floor
into a COVID-patient-only ward.
So… we're here,
elevators are here, COVID patients are here.
And they're taking stuff from that side,
and they're moving extra furniture and medical equipment to our side.
And it's getting very crowded and hectic.
And we overhear some nurses going over end-of-life procedures.
And then my doctor comes in to check on me.
And I say, "Hey, it seems like this COVID thing is getting scary."
"How are you doing?" And she cries.
'Cause that's just how much the world was changing while we were in the hospital.
So then she says, "I'm sorry. I gotta kick you out of the hospital."
"We need the room. And we're gonna have to keep your daughter here in the NICU."
"Um… but hey, you can go home."
"You can go home. Get some sleep. Get some rest. We got her."
"And maybe give your stuff a wipe down before you get in the house
'cause you've been in a hospital during a pandemic."
And that makes me flash to a moment about an hour before,
where I had taken something called a perineal pad…
It's this giant cold pack that you put in your underwear after you give birth.
I had tried to put it in my underwear.
But it slipped.
And it fell face-down on the hospital floor.
And I paused.
And then I put it in my underwear anyway.
So I relay this story to my doctor, and I say, "Did I just gave my vagina COVID?"
And she says…
"Well, what you did was gross."
"But…"
"No, You're fine."
[sighs] So, we go home.
We remember what she said, wipe down all of our stuff.
And we open up our hospital bags,
and we take everything out and put it on our front lawn,
and we scrub down every item with Clorox wipes.
So now, I'm on my knees,
I'm wearing a diaper because my vagina is hemorrhaging blood
from very recent childbirth.
And I'm taking every ID card out of my wallet,
and I'm scrubbing down every… card.
And then I'm putting aside the paper money to microwave it later.
And then, I realize… "Wait, wait, wait. I'm wearing clothes."
"Clothes are very porous. What if my clothes are contaminated?"
So I strip buck naked. Then and there.
And I run into the house to take a shower. Now, when I do this,
it happens to be right at 7:00 p.m.
When, as you may recall, everyone was outside their houses and apartments,
banging pots and pans to thank the medical workers.
So, as I'm naked… in my front yard,
my neighbors all around me going…
[makes repetitive clanging sounds]
…I feel as if I'm part of some sort of
erotic, Greek finger-cymbal dance.
Uh… [sighs]
Okay. So then, the next day,
I get an email that Adam's doing worse.
Yeah.
And then we find out my husband is now banned from the hospital altogether.
Not because of COVID, but because he had exposed himself to an orderly.
So anyway, I have to go to the hospital alone.
And… [chuckles]
Just to be clear, it was COVID. I was fucking with you.
Wouldn't it be amazing if he'd done that, and I'm like, "I stand by my man!"
No, it was COVID.
So, basically, fathers, or the non-birthing parent,
were banned from the hospital now.
And mothers can only visit once a day.
So, once a day, I went to the hospital.
And I would… go to the NICU,
and just… see my daughter for as long as I could.
And I saw the tubes start to come out.
I saw the heart monitors start to come off.
I saw her get plumper and plumper, and she started to look like my father.
And then also my husband.
And my husband kinda looks like my father, and that's another show.
-Uh… -[laughter]
And the NICU is where they kind of… teach me how to be a parent.
The NICU is where I learn to change her diaper.
It's where they show me how to breastfeed.
And I remember the moment that they handed her to me,
and she latched on to my breast for the first time.
And I thought, "Oh my God. This is amazing."
"I should do this with the dog."
[audience laughing]
Um…
And then I would just sit and stare at this stranger,
who was my child, until they'd kick me out.
And… something that kept me a little sane during this time
was speaking every day to my psychiatrist.
So he had been my doctor for eight years. He got me on Prozac.
He got me through so many hard times.
And now he was getting me through this. He said I could call him anytime I wanted.
And, one day, I'm saying to him,
"My daughter is in the NICU for a lung condition,
and she's feet away from people dying from COVID."
"I need to get her out of the hospital. I don't know why I can't take her home."
"The nurses said there's no more fluid. There's no more infection."
"But no one's getting back to me about when I can get her out, and I need to."
And my doctor stops me, and he goes, "What hospital is it?"
And I tell him, and he goes, "Oh… Oh yeah. Yeah."
"Let me make a call."
And an hour later, we find out we can finally take her home.
So the moral of that story, to me,
is I will never know if God heard my prayers.
But my psychiatrist did.
[laughter and applause]
Okay, so, we take her home.
And we get her in the house, and it's like the sun
peeks out from behind a cloud.
My husband takes her, and he holds her up to our dog.
[chuckling] And he says,
"Okay, Wiley… this is your one chance to eat her."
[audience laughs]
"After… After this, you're not allowed to eat her."
And it's like a fucked-up moment, but it's also really sweet.
And the dog doesn't eat her, and we're psyched.
And…
And then I get an email that Adam's doing better.
That he's responding really well to this new medication.
And for the first time in a week,
the shock of it all just goes away.
And my body relaxes,
and I pass out for a nap on my bed,
my newborn daughter next to me.
And then, 20 minutes later,
my husband shakes me awake to tell me that Adam died.
[audience members gasping quietly]
And I… feel my hand reach for my phone.
And I call my psychiatrist.
And I say, "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"
"It's too much. What do I do?"
And he says,
"All you can do is feel."
So…
I kinda stumble into another room, and I feel.
And I don't know what that means.
I don't… I don't know how to do this.
And I bring a notebook.
Because I think that
feeling the right way means journaling about it.
And so I'm trying to journal about this.
This is like seconds after I found out Adam's dead.
And I write, "Adam di--"
And my pen goes like that, 'cause I just start weeping.
So, then, I… sit there.
And I cry, and I think about my friend.
His name was Adam Schlesinger.
And he was… a genius.
Um, I spoke to him almost every day for the past five and a half years
We were songwriting partners. I learned so much about writing from him,
and… and life from him.
And… actually, he went here.
He co-founded the band Fountains of Wayne from Williams College.
And…
And I think about him,
And I think about how he was so alive.
That was the one word that comes to mind.
He was just so alive. And even now, he still seems alive.
Like, if he were to walk through that door right now, it wouldn't be weird.
And I sit there.
And I think about him, and I…
grieve.
And I keep grieving
as the months go by, and we're raising a newborn in isolation.
And then,
more people I know start dying.
So I lose my friend Tommy to a longtime battle with cancer.
Tommy had been my dresser on my former TV show.
And dresser's such a stupid word because, yes, he helped me get dressed.
He was by my side basically every second on that set.
And it turns out the whole time, he'd had cancer and hadn't told me.
And then, after that, my psychiatrist,
drops dead of a cardiac arrest at age 44.
[audience exclaims softly]
So, Tommy's gone, my psychiatrist is gone.
I still can't look at a picture of Adam without crying.
And I do something
pretty desperate.
I talk to a psychic.
This is not something I do.
I… I don't fuck with psychics.
Um, mainly because
they murdered Harry Houdini.
[audience laughs]
Uh, basically… yeah. So, I'm sorry you had to hear it from me.
So basically, Harry Houdini was punched forcefully in the stomach
by a man later found to have ties to the spiritualist community,
that Houdini had been trying to debunk.
And it's a complicated theory,
but I made a simple chart that explains it.
[laughter and clapping]
Incidentally, this is in the other corner of my daughter's nursery.
[audience laughing]
Because she needs to know.
But I do it. I earnestly do it. I talk… I talk to a psychic.
Or a Houdini killer, as I call them.
And… Uh… I actually did this.
And it starts out not great,
because the psychic begins by asking me a bunch of very specific questions
about who I am, who I want to contact.
And us skeptical Houdini heads,
we know this is something fake psychics do called cold reading.
And I'm not falling for it, so I'm very cagey about what I tell her.
And she gets frustrated with me.
And she goes, "Listen, I can't read your mind."
-[exhales] -[audience laughs]
Uh, so it's going downhill, but then there's some sort of breakthrough.
And she suddenly says that Adam is there, and he wants to talk to me.
And she starts saying stuff
that just… sounds like him.
That's the only way I can describe it. It just sounds like him.
It's his cadence, it's things he would say.
And I start weeping, convinced that I'm talking to my friend.
That there's something more, it's changing the entire way I see the world.
And we talk for an hour.
And at the end she says, "Do you have any other questions for him?"
And I say, "Yes. Were there any ideas…"
[audience laughing]
[audience member clapping]
Were there any ideas that Adam had that he didn't get to realize on earth.
I wasn't trying to steal from my dead friend, you sick fucks.
-Okay? -[laughter]
It was an earnest question,
because what I earnestly meant was,
"Look, art was our love language."
"Did he have any artistic unfinished business?"
Earnestly, asking.
And she says, "Yes."
Actually, he has two TV show ideas.
And I do go, "I mean, can I have them?" [chuckles]
Like, 'cause I got nothing.
Uh, and she says, "No, no. You can absolutely have them."
"Okay. Here's what they are. Uh-huh. Uh-huh." And the whole time,
she's doing that like she's a weather correspondent.
She goes, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay."
The first idea he has is he says you should write a TV show about now.
About lockdown.
And on instinct, I go, "Meh…"
She says, "Okay. He can tell you're not into it."
"But he says a lot of people are gonna be writing about this time."
"And you should too."
And I'm disappointed, because
I was still kinda testing the psychic.
And… she failed the test.
Adam was a genius, right? But the idea of, "Write about the pandemic
that's happening right now" is not a genius idea.
That's a basic-bitch idea. Anyone could have that idea.
That's like your mom saying, "You should write about our family."
You know?
So I say, "Okay, what else does he… What else does he have?"
And she says, "Okay."
"He says-- This next idea, you're gonna really like. He says…
you should write a gritty, realistic comedy
bout USO shows in the 1960s."
[audience chattering quietly]
Uh, okay, that's specific.
And I… That just feels so real, and I start like trembling.
And I say to her, "Okay, ma'am. Well, thank you so much for your time."
"Psychics are real. Houdini had it coming. Goodbye. Uh…"
Close my computer, and I look up, and I think,
"Oh my God. USO shows in the 1960s. That's gotta be real."
"That's just so specific."
And then I realize…
That was a major plot point
in the current season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
So she wasn't a psychic. She just had Amazon Prime.
And that moment, that realization, it undid the whole thing for me.
It just negated it. And I'm back to square one.
That there's nothing. And I don't wanna be back to square one.
I don't want there to be nothing.
I want there to be something.
But the skeptic atheist in me needs proof.
The thing that I want most, actually,
in this world,
is to see a ghost.
Because if I were to see a ghost, it would be proof,
with my own eyes, that there is something more.
But the bummer of that is even if ghosts are real,
I know that, for my friends who died,
I am frankly a low-priority haunting.
[laughter]
So yeah, Adam was a dear… a dear friend and writing partner.
He left behind two children.
His parents, his girlfriend.
He's not getting to me for a long time.
Same thing with my friend Tommy.
Tommy's probably watching this and going, "We were work colleagues. Easy."
And then… if my psychiatrist were to haunt me,
it might be unethical.
Still, I… I…
I hold out hope for a haunting.
And when I'm in bed at night, I stare into the darkness.
And I do… this with my eyes.
Just hoping to see… anything.
[exhales]
Hit it.
[light, eerie music playing]
[wind whistling]
♪ When the clock strikes 12 And you feel a sudden chill ♪
♪ And you close your eyes And hold very still ♪
♪ Cause you're sure That floating next to you ♪
♪ Is a spooky spirit about to go, "Boo" ♪
♪ But I'm sorry to say That what you should dread ♪
♪ Is worse than a ghoulie With a severed head ♪
♪ Where the spookiest, scariest ghost ♪
♪ Is no ghost ♪
♪ It's nothing ♪
♪ "Boo, I'm a bloody bride Holding a knife" ♪
♪ But I'm also proof of an afterlife ♪
♪ Is a Civil War soldier Whose face has been destroyed ♪
♪ Really as scary as an unfeeling void? ♪
♪ Being watched while you sleep Could be kind of sweet ♪
♪ For the spookiest, scariest ghost ♪
[thunder cracks]
♪ Is no ghost ♪
[creepily] ♪ Come play with me ♪
[dryly] ♪ Okay, that sounds nice ♪
♪ There's an old creepy house That sits on a hill ♪
♪ One night I broke in To get a little thrill ♪
♪ I shouted, "Hey, ghost, here I am" ♪
♪ And used my own shit To draw a pentagram ♪
♪ I found a creepy organ Played a minor chord ♪
♪ Spelled out, "Come get me, pussy" On a Ouija board ♪
♪ Then I heard a sound That didn't come from this earth ♪
[shrill screeching]
♪ It was just a possum giving birth ♪
[shrill screeching]
♪ There was a possum in the attic ♪
♪ Nothing's coming for you in the night ♪
♪ Nothing's coming to give you a fright ♪
♪ Nothing's in the closet Nothing's in the dark ♪
♪ Nothing's on that old creepy swing In the park ♪
♪ Except some high school kids Trying meth ♪
[shrill screeching]
♪ Nothing happens after death ♪
♪ Chain rattle, chain rattle Chain rattle, chain rattle ♪
♪ Why would chains be scary? ♪
♪ You put them on your car ♪
♪ In snow ♪
♪ No ghost ♪
-[thunder crashes] -[cheers and applause]
[applause continues]
-So, yeah. -[applause dies down]
There's nothing.
Isn't that funny?
Isn't it so funny that, like,
there's all this, like, misery, and death, and pain.
And it's all for nothing. That's, like, so funny. [chuckles]
Like, it's so funny… It's so funny,
that it's been, like, over four years,
and everything that happened still fucks with me.
Like, when I'm in bed with my husband, and he
nudges me to tell me anything,
I think he's gonna tell me someone's dead.
[sighs] And then…
when I hear a news story about a child
being hurt or killed anywhere,
that child morphs into my child,
and I am back in the NICU.
And I have to say, ever since I've become a parent,
It's like a door has been opened to a part of my heart I didn't know existed.
And that part of my heart is made of nothing
but fear, and anguish, and worry.
And I can't close the door, no matter how hard I try.
[sighs]
And look, I know
that I'm making this show up as I go along.
Right?
Okay.
But let's just say… as a fun experiment,
that I'd been doing this show
for the past two and a half years.
-Right? [sniffs] -[audience laughs]
That I'd been working on this show,
and using it to work out my feelings about death.
And the whole time I've been doing the show,
I've been expecting the world to get better.
And it hasn't.
'Cause there's more grief and loss.
And death. And we don't know how to deal with it.
Because we didn't deal with the thing before that
or the thing before that, or the thing before that,
because nobody showed us how.
[exhales]
[sighing] Oh boy, this is fun.
Yeah. This is fun.
Are you happy, Death?
Is it… Is… [chuckles]
Is this the fun time that you wanted?
I wasn't trying to upset you.
[Rachel] Bullshit.
That's exactly what you're trying to do.
You're trying to upset me, and you're trying to upset them.
You're here to fuck with us. That's why you're here.
You're here to get revenge on us. Because you said it in your song.
You said you don't feel seen.
That's actually wrong.
We see you.
We know who you are. It's not like Dear Evan Hansen, actually.
We… We know exactly who you are. We just hate you.
Yeah.
Everybody here hates you.
I'm fully middle-school bullying you right now.
I would say go kill yourself, if that made any sense.
And the one thing I wanted to do tonight,
was spend an hour pretending it was 2019.
Pretending it was the before. Before you came and fucked it all up.
And you took that away. Just like you take away everything.
So you know what? I'm gonna take from you. I'm gonna take the show back.
And I don't care. Heckle me, destroy the theater.
I'm gonna do the show that I came here to do.
I'm gonna do the special I came here to film.
And we're gonna start from the beginning.
So, blackout, opening song.
["Space Jam" by Quad City DJ's playing]
♪ It's time to slam now ♪
♪ We got a real jam going down ♪
♪ Welcome to the Space Jam ♪
Yeah! Clap your fucking-- Yeah.
Aw, fuck. Okay.
-Yeah! -[audience cheering]
Oh!
-Whoo! Okay. -[audience clapping in rhythm]
Okay, yeah. Okay.
Alright. Can stop. Okay. Yeah, all right. So you remember what happened.
I came out to the song "Space Jam."
I said, "Oh there's a child here," and we all laughed. Um, uh…
Then I did the cum tree song. Fucking killed. Everyone stood up.
Um… Alright. Now that brings us to now. Okay. Okay.
There is a bush…
on my street, that smells like a bush.
And, well… let me tell you about it.
In song. [chuckles]
[solemn music plays]
I'm sorry. Stop the track. Stop. Stop. Stop.
No, stop the track. Stop it. I'm sorry.
I can't do-- I can't do this. This is stupid. I'm sorry.
I can't…
[sighs deeply]
I can't be false anymore. Like, I can't stand up here
and pretend that everything's okay, because it's not okay.
And I need to stop this.
Like, what is… wrong with me?
I need to stop singing about trees that smell like cum.
And bushes that smell like bushes.
And I… And we need to stop this.
We need to stop all the ha ha ha!
And we need to focus instead on being vigilant.
We need to be constantly vigilant.
Because death is coming.
For each and every one of us.
[light laughter]
Let me tell you something. Ever since my friends died,
I've become kind of an expert on all the ways any of us could die.
There are so… There are so many ways that any of us could die.
Like, so many ways. Like, okay.
Okay, here's one. Do you know about carbon monoxide poisoning?
So carbon monoxide poisoning is like really common.
And the hotel where my husband and I got married,
recently, a couple was found dead in one of the rooms of carbon monoxide poisoning.
And apparently a lot of tourists die like this abroad.
So, um, let's take a moment and actually talk about the dangers
of carbon monoxide poisoning.
You know what? Let's take it even further than that.
I'm gonna quit show business. Yeah, and I'm gonna become
a professional carbon monoxide motivational speaker.
That's the only responsible thing to do. That's exactly what I should do.
So, okay. All right. So I'm rerouting my entire life.
You're in agreement. I should do this. Okay. Um…
All right, so I'm gonna change my life. And the first step to becoming
a professional carbon monoxide educational motivational speaker.
is I'm gonna go back to school for… uh, chemistry?
[panting]
Rachel.
Hey. Can I, um…
Can I help you out here?
What? What, I… yeah. Whatever, I don't care.
I have been watching you for years now,
uh, wondering if you were gonna finally figure out
how to process what happened to you in 2020,
and move forward.
I've been desperate for you to find some way to acknowledge death,
but to continue to live.
So, yeah, I didn't really know what else to do, so I did.
I came and I planted myself here tonight in your audience,
in the form of your "not attractive enough to be a leading man" friend, I guess.
And I figured that I would heckle you into finally dealing with it.
Okay?
So…
Okay. So then what's the answer, then? I mean…
How do I…
as you said, acknowledge death, but continue to live?
Well, Rachel,
the answer to that… has been inside you all along.
Fuck you.
It's the truth. It's true. It's in you.
Not in here. And not in here.
But… here.
[solemn piano music playing]
♪ The world is cold ♪
♪ The world is vast ♪
♪ The world is impartial and wild ♪
♪ I could say it's okay ♪
♪ It's the circle of life ♪
♪ But instead I'll say think of your child ♪
♪ To her you are loyal ♪
♪ Faithful, and wise ♪
♪ She has no clue ♪
♪ You'll be the first one who dies ♪
Jesus, what--
♪ But you know it's true ♪
♪ And you pray it's true ♪
♪ Not only will you die before her ♪
♪ But you hope to ♪
♪ So what you're saying is ♪
♪ I am my daughter's dog ♪
-[music stops] -[audience laughing]
[applause builds slowly]
-♪ I am my daughter's dog ♪ -[music resumes]
♪ Loyal to the end ♪
♪ A faithful, floppy friend ♪
-♪ I am my daughter's dog ♪ -♪ You are your daughter's dog ♪
♪ I am my daughter's dog ♪
♪ On my tombstone, it will say ♪
-♪ "She was her daughter's dog" ♪ -[song tempo picks up]
-♪ Oh ♪ -♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ "She was her daughter's dog" ♪ -Beautiful.
-♪ Oh ♪ -♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
Now you're getting it. Oh yeah.
♪ Dogs don't know they're tragic ♪
♪ Dogs don't know they're sad ♪
♪ Dogs are just grateful ♪
♪ For all the time they had ♪
♪ But dogs do stupid shit ♪
♪ Like, chase after trucks ♪
♪ They don't know they can die ♪
♪ So they don't give any fucks ♪
♪ And I don't wanna do that, so ♪
♪ I am my daughter's well-trained dog ♪
Whoo!
♪ I am my daughter's well-trained dog ♪
♪ In the house, you'll never pee ♪
♪ Who's a good girl? Me! ♪
Hey!
[both] ♪ I am my daughter's Well-trained dog ♪
♪ I am my daughter's well-trained dog ♪
♪ I'm easily motivated by food ♪
♪ As my daughter's well-trained dog ♪
♪ But tell me ♪
♪ What do I do ♪
♪ If my daughter ♪
♪ Dies before me? ♪
[whistles]
♪ And what do you say ♪
♪ Of all the people who die ♪
♪ So unnecessarily? ♪
Mm-hmm… Mm-hm.
♪ Uh, way to bring down the room ♪
Ugh… [chuckles]
♪ Those questions are… super fun ♪
♪ But the question You should be asking is ♪
♪ Why did the cosmos make everyone? ♪
♪ The answer, it might be important ♪
♪ It might be profound ♪
♪ Might be magical destiny ♪
♪ Or… maybe the lonely cosmos ♪
♪ Just wanted some company ♪
Something warm to sit by its side.
A witness.
A friend.
-♪ So ♪ -♪ So ♪
-♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪ -♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪
[both] ♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪
♪ Yeah, you're dumb but sweet ♪
♪ Our purpose is To lick the cosmos' feet ♪
-♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪ -♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪
[both] ♪ We are the cosmos' dog ♪
♪ Like the corgis to the Queen ♪
♪ We are the cosmos' ♪
-♪ Dog ♪ -[Death] Mm.
And one day,
in a hundred billion years,
the cosmos itself will come to an end.
'Cause all things die.
And when that day finally comes,
the cosmos will arrive
in a beautiful meadow.
[light laughter]
And all of you will be there.
All of its little idiot pets.
And as you cross over the Rainbow Bridge into the afterlife together,
on the other side, I'll be there.
Oh yeah! I wouldn't miss it.
Big day for me. The day that I finally killed everything.
And as I stand under the beautiful branches,
in the dappled ethereal shade,
white flower blossoms will start to rain down
poetically around me.
And I'll open my arms to you, and say…
[piano jingle plays]
♪ Darling, meet me under the cum tree ♪
♪ It would be so grand to see you there ♪
[piano jingle continues softly]
[both] ♪ What a pleasure to be kissed ♪
♪ Where it smells like boner piss ♪
♪ Ah, to meet ♪
♪ Under the cum tree ♪
♪ Is so fair ♪
[song ends]
[cheers and applause]
["Space Jam" playing]
[loud cheers and applause]
[music, cheers, and applause fade out]
[gentle piano tune playing]
["My Daughter's Dog" instrumental playing]
[music ends]