Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[ Hip-hop music plays ] -♪ Ha, ha, oh, yeah
-Let's go, G. Thang. -What's up, G. Thang?
Both: We in this, part two.
-Yeah, I know you gon' tear it up tonight.
-♪ Let's get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it ♪
-♪ Let's go
-We're here for the premier taping
of Gary "G. Thang" Johnson.
My boy. -I done walked all the way
from Michigan.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome actor, producer,
and now, NAACP Image Awards double-nominated director,
Miss Vivica A. Fox.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue]
♪♪
-Aw!
[Singing] Hey!
♪♪
Hey! Hey, y'all, hey.
[ Crowd ] Hey! -Whoo!
-Okay, I know y'all said, "Dang, she got another job,
now, she gonna try to do comedy."
[ Laughter ] I'm not. I'm not.
I know y'all probably wondering why I am here.
But I'm here tonight, because I'm so proud of this brother
that's about to come to the stage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, I hate to say this,
I know y'all been waiting, and he on a little bit of CP time,
because we was supposed to start this earlier.
[ Phone chimes ] Oh, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
My booty blowing up.
Um. [ Chuckles ]
Wowzers.
G. Thang said he ready to pull up? Y'all Ready?
[ Cheers and applause ] Y'all ready?!
Alright. Alright. Alright.
I need y'all to get hype.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together for my boy,
the very talented and hilarious --
Gary "G. Thang" Johnson!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[Hip-hop music plays]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Crowd cheering ] Go, Gary! Go, Gary! Go, Gary!
♪♪
-Man. Man.
Man.
Come on, y'all.
We in this bitch.
One more time for the legendary --
Miss Vivica A. Fox!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
And she go...
-I tried to get all the "Set It Off" people,
but, uh... [ Laughter ]
But I didn't want to get the shit slapped out of me
by, uh...
by Will, so, I didn't.
So, I left Jada and them by themselves. Shit.
[ Laughter ]
Y'all look good, man.
You motherfuckers showed up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, man.
I got this Deacon Rufus suit on,
so, uh...
y'all got to bear with me.
I just got my teeth done,
but these ain't the right size.
So... [ Laughter ]
-It ain't that goddamn funny!
[ Laughter continues ]
So, I might be spitting on all of those in the front row.
I'll tell you that shit right now.
I got a bunch of spit in my mouth right the fuck now.
So, I'm gonna be doing a whole lot of swallowing and shit.
I knew they weren't the right size
when the dentist, mother fucker handed me
the mirror, I'm like, "Nigga.
You gave me these Denzel Washington teeth.
[ Laughter ]
Putting curses on all you motherfuckers."
I feel uncomfortable right now.
So, I ain't gonna be doing a whole lot of smiling.
I can tell you.
I think the nigga done did dis ass for a ticket too.
So, if you -- you in this motherfucker,
I got to holler at you, motherfucker.
I got a partner named Antonio.
That nigga be smiling on, motherfucker.
I'll be playing dominoes with the nigga.
He always smiling. I'm like, "Nigga.
When I get my check, nigga,
I swear to God I'm gonna get that smile!"
[ Laughter ]
I couldn't wait to show the nigga my new smile.
He like, he didn't even want to come, he like, "Ugh."
I was waiting, nigga,
I came to that nigga, like, "Hey, brother."
Like, I scared him.
"Hey, nigga, They'll make the right ones."
We in this mother fucker, though, man.
This goddamn LA.
I thought I was gonna make it a long,
long, long, long, long, long, goddamn time ago.
I thought -- I thought I was gonna blow up in 2 weeks.
I swear to God, I did.
I thought I was gonna be famous like motherfucking Kevin Hart,
Dave Chappelle, Katt Williams,
without the motherfucking problems.
I thought I was... [ Laughter ]
Katt fucked niggas up, though, didn't he?
Crowd: Yeah!
Nigga, I listened to that whole tape, like, I ain't even know
I had 3 hours worth of time.
I listened to that nigga whole tape
just to see when the nigga gonna say my name.
I did.
[ Laughter continues ]
That nigga Katt, when he fucked Steve Harvey up with that --
that fucking toupee, nigga, I hollered.
When he said that nigga had a -- a -- a piece.
What he have? Crowd: A wig. A Man Unit.
A "Man Unit," when he said that nigga
had a Man Unit.
Nigga, nigga, I did this on the nigga.
'Cause a nigga came up to me
and asked me did I have one?
-I'm like, "Nigga, get the fuck outta here."
This all me right here, motherfucker.
[ Laughter ]
Nigga said he was gonna punch Steve in the stomach.
I was like, "Damn.
That's some thug shit."
"Nigga, I'll punch you in your motherfucking stomach."
[ Laughter ]
Nigga, I'm glad I wasn't on that block
when he was shooting that bitch up.
If one more motherfucker say,
I look like Diddy, kill yourself tonight.
I'd rather look like anybody else with no allegations.
I swear to God.
I'd rather look like Flavor Flav, Trick Daddy, motherfucker.
"Nigga, take that. Take that, nigga. Take it."
That nigga Diddy paying niggas right away too.
Nigga, he don't be waiting.
"So, you said I did something, well, well, how much you need?"
[ Laughter ]
Diddy want that shit over, motherfucker.
That's how much money that nigga got.
Niggas be trying to fight.
"No, bitch, you won't know --" "Bitch, what?"
We got you, motherfucker.
That's -- That's why I video all the bitches I fuck.
I ain't gonna never.
I let 'em know.
"You know, that camera on over there.
[ Laughter ]
And that's you enjoying yourself.
You see that?
You can talk all that shit if you want to,
but, bitch, you having a good time."
I brought my phone,
because, uh, I got a little bitch named Tasha at the house,
I don't trust, so, uh,
and I'm watching her on my Ring,
right fuck...
I don't trust her, because she be stealing
all my quarters out my change drawer.
I don't trust her.
She must haven't got no washer and dryer.
So, just...
She be going in my medicine cabinet
and all kind of shit, I'm like...
'Cause everybody in here, when you get to a certain age,
you gon' be on some pills, I ain't gonna lie.
Everybody in here, when you get to a certain age,
nigga, you on, uh, blood pressure pills,
cholesterol.
Lot of you young niggas on, uh, antibiotics, motherfucker.
You got an itch you need to fill up, nigga?
I keep my motherfucking pills that the Dr. ordered for me,
I keep them in a vault.
This bitch ain't gonna never crack that safe.
My vitamins, I keep in the medicine cabinet.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck if she gon' see them.
'Cause motherfucker the ones that got my
everything on, bitch.
You know, my real age that ain't going...
[ Laughter, applause ]
I got that motherfucker in a vault.
Motherfucker, there's 27 left,
motherfucker.
And I be watching her ass. She just be going through shit.
"What are you doing now?!"
Tasha the reason why I don't like dating,
'cause I -- she -- I go over to her house.
She ain't got no parking. I just be riding around.
[ Laughter ]
Talking 'bout, "You still coming, bitch?"
"I'm trying to find parking. Shit."
I ain't got that kind of car that can be around the corner.
Shit.
I knew I should of stopped fucking with her,
because she ain't have no real furniture at the house.
She -- She had that little mini bar refrigerator.
You ever seen that little motherfucker?
It's like she's going to college and shit.
You know, that little mini bar refrigerator
that you give your kid to go away?
I knew I should've stopped fucking with her,
because she had that little bitty refrigerator sitting
where the big refrigerator was supposed to sit.
[ Laughter ]
I say, "You don't see all this space right here?"
You could put four more of these bitches
and fill that hole up, shit.
I can't fuck with Tasha, man.
I like her, but I don't like her,
because she's a lingerer.
You ever seen a motherfucker that lingers?
Come over to your house. She don't never want to leave.
She be sleeping like she's gonna be there for the week.
I had to put the vacuum cleaner
in the bed just to wake her ass up.
[Imitates vacuum cleaner]
"Got shit to do in the morning."
Tasha came over to the crib and it's --
especially when they ain't got their own shit --
they be coming over seeing where they kid
can stay, "This is nice.
[ Laughter ]
Is this taken? Is this room open right here?"
And I knew I didn't want to date no more,
'cause I took her -- I took Tasha to Nobu in Malibu.
Them motherfuckers been there before.
Well, three of you motherfuckers been in there, uh...
Y'all can't afford it either. I see.
I knew I didn't want to go back,
'cause, uh, when I saw the valet
was $25, I -- I said, "Shit, hold on, uh..."
I told the valet,
"Don't get neither one of our doors, nigga.
We good.
I'm gonna park this bitch in a free spot. Shit."
I told Tasha, "Go on in there and get us a table.
I need to holler at this nigga for a minute, shit."
[ Laughter ]
I told the waiter, I said, "Hey, player,
Let me tell you what I got, uh...
I got $136.
Let's, uh...
Let's take care of you,
the food, and the drinks, can you make it happen?
[ Laughter, applause ]
This motherfucker said, "Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure. I got you."
This motherfucker came over to the table
and took all the lighted menus
off the motherfucking table.
Handed me some laminates. Motherfucker, I --
Like, "Nigga, this food ain't even
from this goddamn restaurant.
[ Laughter ]
Nigga gave me a Denny's menu, motherfucker.
So, I order me a Grand Slam.
Yeah.
I got the fuck on out of there.
I like them hood chicks.
I don't know what it is about me, man.
I like a chick who ain't got all her tattoos done yet.
I don't know what it is.
[ Laughter, applause ]
She just got the outlines.
Nigga, that do something for my spirit.
"When I get my check,
I swear to God I'm gonna color these bitches in!"
[ Laughter, applause ]
I like them hood chicks.
Man, I was dating a hood chick, this...
I lie to you not, out here in LA.
She didn't have no front doors.
When I went to go pick her up, she came through that curtain.
"I'll be right out" I'm like, "Sh...
Man, I won't be waiting on your ass. Pssh."
Yeah, dating them hood chicks, they --
they do a lot of shit, though.
She wants -- She wants to fuck with the lights on.
I'm like, "Shit.
I ain't got no light on type of body. Shit."
You know what I'm saying, Dante? You understand what I'm...
[ Laughter, applause ]
She be clapping a lot louder than yours.
I got a candle lit type of body, motherfucker.
I light some candles, and I don't put them in the bedroom.
I put them motherfuckers in the bathroom. Shit.
I crack the door just a little bit.
This bitch ain't gonna never see my silhouette.
I swear to God. [ Laughter ]
You ain't gonna never see me looking like Rick Ross.
I swear to God!
I don't even take my clothes off until I get fully in the bed.
Shit.
I'm in the covers, nigga, I -- The -- The drawer.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I ain't confident like Rick Ross.
That nigga has confidence.
I guess that's the money, that nigga,
titties be slinging and shit.
Nigga don't have no shirt to pluck on.
I'm like, "Nigga. That's confidence."
I went in and got in my pool.
Well, it wasn't my pool, it was the community.
Um... [ Laughter ]
Let me stop acting like I'm doing something with myself.
So, I went into the community pool
and, uh, had my little T-shirt on in the motherfucking water,
start raising, I'm like, "Hey, nigga? Not right now.
Motherfucker. It's a public pool.
Motherfuckers watching us.
They're should be motherfuckers.
I see some chubby motherfuckers in here too with --
with a terrible body.
What's up, Earl? [ Laughter ]
I don't know your name,
but you got a Earl spirit, I swear to God.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Done fucking with Tasha's ass. Motherfucker.
Went over that shit.
Now, I'm fucking with this little chick named Pam,
and, uh, 'cause I'm trying to move around.
You know, enough.
Pam was a motherfucker, though, 'cause
it's hard dating, y'all, though, 'cause...
-No, it ain't. -'Cause y'all compliment
a motherfucker and talk shit about him
at the same goddamn time.
Pam came over to the house and said,
"This a nice ass little one bedroom."
We're like, "What?"
"You don't know. I got another room upstairs.
You don't know about that other room.
It's a nice ass little half bath.
Bitch, [Mumbles].
I got another bathroom.
-Nice little one bedroom. -I just found out
that black women do not like white refrigerators.
I just found that shit out.
She came up, "You ain't got no goddamn stainless steel?
You ain't got no ice maker in this bitch?"
'Cause Pam wanted a Crown on the rocks.
I-I ain't have no ice maker.
I'm still putting water in trays, Dante.
I don't know your name.
But you got a Dante spirit, motherfucker.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I'm still putting water in trays.
I said -- I told Pam,
"You got 2 hours before that ice get cold. Shit."
She talking about, "Go out there and check it to see
if it cold yet."
"I know my freezer, Pam.
I don't know your name.
But you got a Pam spirit.
Goddamn.
Went out there and checked the ice.
I done fucked around and punched a hole in the goddamn ice.
I said, "Pam, we got to start all over again."
You better take a shot. Shit.
Pam was a motherfucker, though, man.
I-I fuck with Pam, though.
'Cause Pam is -- She had her shit together.
She had a -- She had a washer and dryer.
She -- She had me being a lingerer at her house.
'Cause I go to her house, and I'm thinking
I'm gonna spend the night, I, you know,
I fucked pretty good.
You know, I gave myself a 10.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I gave myself a 10.
I don't know what her score was, but to me...
I put that thing on her. You hear me?
And then, I, you know, I'm ready to go to sleep
'cause I'm tired, and I gave her --
I gave her a 10, you know?
And then, here come Pam --
here come Pam come tapping me on the shoulder
and say, "What -- What you about to do?"
Like, "What?
I'm about to go back to sleep."
"No, you ain't, nigga, my son about to get up.
You got to get the fuck out of here. Shit.
I don't even know why I'm fucking like this."
So, I left.
Plus, I, you know, I wasn't doing good, you know,
last year, uh,
year -- year before that, uh...
Shit. I ain't doing good too much this year either.
And, uh...
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I had a lot of shit cut off.
And, uh...
And Pam was over to the house one time,
and, uh, I got there and my electric got cut off.
And, uh, I was surprised too,
because I actually heard
the motherfucking electric get cut off.
You ever heard the electric get cut off, Dante?
I don't know your name.
But you got a Dante spirit, nigga.
I actually heard my electric get cut off.
That motherfucker said, [Imitates electricity].
I said, "These motherfuckers got me."
Now, Pam don't know what's going on.
She said, "What -- What's happening?"
I'm like, "Bitch, it's in the neighborhood.
Everybody's shit off around..."
She said, "Well, they shit still on over there."
I said, "That nigga must got a generator or something.
Where'd you get that generator at, nigga?
Best Buy? I'm gonna get me one of them."
[ Laughter ]
My fucking cable got cut off while she was over too.
I was doing bad, I told you motherfuckers.
I was, and it was bad.
Because if you work for Spectrum,
I want you to kill yourself right now.
Because when your cable get cut off,
I saw the Spectrum sign start floating.
If you see your Spectrum sign start floating,
that means you got 10 seconds...
to finish watching that motherfucking program.
And I saw the motherfucker come on.
Nigga, I-I tried to hurry up and cut the goddamn TV off.
I was like, "Hey."
[ Laughter, applause ]
I did not want Pam to see that motherfucker.
"Oh. Hey. No. Damn. Bitch."
'Cause I had my shit cut off cut off.
You ever had your shit cut off cut off?
That mean you can't call it in.
You got to go the fuck down that bitch.
I heard Spectrum on the roof, too.
I was like, "These niggas up there."
I was like Joe Clark from "Lean on Me."
"Get them chains on the door! The enemy is near!"
A cable company gonna come in the house
and ask for the equipment.
Like "Sir, we need to...
We need to get all the equipment."
I said, "Come on in here. Dere it is. Shit."
There gonna be a dead ass cable guy.
Motherfucker.
I need that cable time -- I need that box for the time.
Fuck you.
[ Laughter, applause ]
You get your cable cut off, nigga,
don't nothing work on that box but the motherfucking time.
That other shit is over with.
I told him, "Nigga, come get this shit, then. Fuck you."
Fuck him, 'cause I'm cutting back, nigga.
I'm gon' tell you right now, I told T-Mobile today
to cut all that shit off my phone.
"I don't want no incoming, no outgoing,
no voicemail, no texts, just cut the bitch off."
I just want to call T-Mobile to see who called me.
Shit.
I'm going back to a pager, Earl, you hear me?
$0.39 a year, nigga.
[ Laughter ]
Only your old school niggas know about that pager.
You young niggas don't know nothing about
that goddamn pager, nigga.
You don't even need to put the area code.
You just got to understand what the number is.
You know how you got to give your last four digits
of your Social Security, that's what you got to --
Oh. Okay? That's 863. Oh, that's Pam number.
Okay.
Trying to get it together, though.
I'm trying to get my life together, you know?
You know, I had -- still had that big back TV.
And it was a... [ Laughter ]
The old school niggas remember.
You remember that big back TV?
You remember that TV with a fuse box?
You remember that motherfucker?
Pam came over, she saw that I had the big back TV,
but I tried to trick her the next time
she came over to the house.
So, I cut a hole in the wall.
Now, my TV all in another nigga house and shit.
My neighbor pushing it out. I'm pushing it back in.
I said, "I'm trying to watch the Lakers, motherfucker!"
[ Laughter]
Black man, nigga.
Hey, get that cough together.
Hey. [ Laughter ]
I don't know who said that it's okay to cough now. No.
That shit's still out here, motherfuckers. Shit.
Niggas just coughing, they ain't even saying nothing.
Openly coughing. "[ Coughs ]"
It's like, "Hey?"
People don't even cover up they mouth no more.
They like, "[ Coughs ]" "Nigga, [Mutters]."
Then, if they do cover it up, they do this.
[ Coughs ], like it can't go up under your arm.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I love my black people, nigga, I fucks with us.
But I don't really got a lot of black neighbors.
I-I experienced that, and I got out of that.
Because...
'cause when you got black neighbors,
they watch your house, not for you, but for them.
Motherfucker.
I fucked around and got that Ring.
That motherfucker do not work.
Whoever created that motherfucker,
probably, was a criminal.
That doorbell Ring, that motherfucker
that you can see motherfuckers coming.
Them niggas know you ain't at the house.
I saw a motherfucker in my phone. I saw the motherfucker.
I did. Real. Can't hate, player.
"What you want?"
He said, "Nigga, I know you ain't in there.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I just saw you pull out. Don't you drive a Kia?
License plate '3495O9,' motherfucker?
You got a slow leak in that left tire,
motherfucker." [ Laughter ]
So, I turned around.
And my little pussy ass dog, this motherfucker,
he ain't even barking or nothing,
he hiding under the bench.
I see his ass, and I'm like, "Hey, hey, motherfucker.
You better go bark at the fucking front door!
You 'bout to get taken, motherfucker."
That ring ain't worth a buck.
Some of y'all got that shit.
You'd just looking to see -- you in an apartment
and you be looking.
[ Laughter ]
That Ring ain't shit for nothing
but to see your delivery come, motherfucker.
"Oh, yeah. FedEx showed up. Okay. Yeah."
You got one motherfucking camera.
Fuck you.
You act like you got surveillance and shit.
[ Laughter ]
I see you motherfuckers.
Then, you got the nerve to have all that shit on your phone too.
You got cameras that ain't even loaded yet.
You're like, "Yeah, when I get my check,
I'm gonna get that one in the living room."
[ Laughter, applause ]
I got a damn White neighbor, then motherfuckers,
they're -- Boy.
She was supposed to be my doorbell ring
before I bought my doorbell Ring, yeah.
'Cause white people watch your house.
I don't give a fuck what you're talking about.
You live next door to white people,
you don't even ask them to watch your house.
They volunteer
to watch your motherfucking house.
They ain't gon' let a nigga get on your porch.
"Hey!
That's not your shit, buddy! Hey!"
I'm calling the fucking cops!
White people will water your grass while you on vacation.
You ain't gonna fuck with their property value. Shit.
They're out there watering.
"I don't know where G. went. Shit.
He leaves every fucking Thursday! Motherfucker."
I ain't gone. I'm looking in the window at his dumb ass.
"Look at him. Hey. Come here, Pam.
That nigga doing it again. Look out."
And they walk they dog on a schedule.
Have you ever seen a neighbor?
White people walk they dog
06:00 in the morning, every motherfucking morning,
Motherfuckers walk they dog. They don't even be up yet.
They just be -- The dog be walking them.
[ Laughter ]
And they put shoes and clothes
on the motherfucking dog.
I heard their little dog pass my house every morning,
06:00 in the morning with some shoes.
That nigga be tap dancing, like he doing the river dance.
And shit. This mother --
And here my dog, he don't even know when he going outside.
[ Laughter continues ]
He looking at me like he ready to go out at 6:00.
I said, "Not today, motherfucker.
It's raining and everything out there."
My white neighbor, them motherfuckers
cut a hole in they front door...
for they dog, can come in and out the house anytime they want,
if it's raining.
Let you niggas cut a hole in your front door...
and you live in Compton.
See what the fuck happens.
There'll be a nigga all inside the hole.
[ Laughter, applause ]
"Hey, Craig, I'm stuck in the hole, motherfucker!"
A nigga leave you in the hole.
"You good? You cool?
You want something to drink?"
Yeah, man. I fuck with that shit, man.
I'm gonna tell you another thing that get on my nerves
and that's that motherfucking self-checkout.
I don't know who came up with that shit.
But I'm safe. I'm-- I go to church and save.
I don't want to steal but don't push it.
[ Laughter, applause ]
"I ain't no stealer, but don't push me, Lord!
And these motherfuckers leave the m&m's
by the bags.
[ Laughter ]
If I bag $175 worth of groceries,
I deserve two bags of m&m's.
The fuck wrong with you?
I ain't even stealing them.
I'm taking the motherfuckers now.
$175 worth of motherfucking groceries.
If I bag $175 worth of groceries,
I can go in the break room if I fucking want to.
I'm in that motherfucker, "Hey, player, how y'all doing?
Y'all good?
It's crowded than a motherfucker out there today."
Here come the manager. "Sir. Sir. Sir." They always start.
But "Sir, Sir, sir, you're not supposed to be in here."
"The fuck, I ain't?
I just bagged $175 worth of groceries.
You welcome. The fuck is you?
You got a cigarette?
[ Laughter ]
-That motherfucking self-checkout.
'Cause black people, we done fucked up a lot --
We made people change they company policies.
Black people, we done made Southwest Airlines
change they motherfucking policies.
Because when you used to fly Southwest back in the day,
it was like first come, first serve, go, come on, get on.
Now, motherfucker, they got a little number system for you.
A, B, and C.
1-53, them motherfuckers, and don't be in the wrong number.
White people, they take that number shit serious.
Your ass just snuck up to 8.
White lady come up. "Hey, how you doing, sir?
Yeah. What's your number?"
[ Laughter, applause ]
And white people be bold.
Let me -- Can I see? Yeah.
You're 33.
You way back here, motherfucker.
You know black people, nigga.
"What the fuck you asking me for. [Mutters] Bitch."
[ Cheers and applause ]
We know we in the wrong, but we got to get an attitude.
"Fuck this. What? Say something then, bitch!"
Like, I felt like my teeth was gonna fall out that time.
[ Laughter, applause ]
And I ain't gonna lie.
You niggas want them to fall out, too.
My spirit is telling me, like, "Nigga, they --
they gonna come out now, yeah."
Black people done fucked up
the company policies.
Red Lobster, you niggas done fucked they policy up.
Remember back in the day, you could go into Red Lobster
and get you some Cheddar biscuits,
and they give you a complimentary salad.
And you'd just eat them biscuits.
Nigga don't order a motherfucking thing!
Now, you can't do that shit now.
You'll be waiting on the biscuit.
You like, "Hey, you ain't brought me no biscuits."
"Nigga, you ain't order shit either, motherfucker.
Better get you an entree if you want some biscuits, nigga."
'Cause I don't know, back in the day,
you motherfuckers don't know that goddamn Red Lobster
was the restaurant.
All you little young motherfuckers.
You motherfuckers, what -- what -- Mastro.
You be taking the pictures and all...
Some of you niggas be taking the pictures,
you don't even order nothing in that bitch.
[ Laughter ]
Some of you niggas just go up there just to get the picture.
Like, "Oh, you was in Mastro's, [Exclaims]."
And you gotta bag or purse.
Nigga, I used to go to Red Lobster, that was my shit.
Took dates to Red Lobster.
Nigga, I used to take a picture by the crab that,
you know, the fish tank.
Hey, nigga.
Nigga, I'm all 'bout that fish steak
with the crab leg, nigga.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
See, a lot of my --
See, a lot of my friends had heard that
I had invited I done called you motherfuckers 13 times, sent...
I done e-mailed you.
You see them coming to the show, nigga,
'cause I'm doing something.
This is when you ain't all the way made it yet.
What? What? What? You gonna call me? Call me?
[ Laughter ]
I don't wanna call no names.
What's up, Tisha? And I...
I called Vivica and Tisha 1,000 goddamn times.
I FaceTimed, them motherfuckers sending me right to voicemail.
Not right now, motherfucker.
I got a few -- I got a few celebrity friends, man.
I got like three, four, and, uh...
I don't never ask for nothing
but, you know, little favors, like, you know,
take a picture with me, so, I can get my Instagram page up.
[ Laughter ]
Ha, I take a picture with one of them.
Tisha and Vivica, I get like about 400,000 likes.
I take a picture with my mom, I get two likes on the picture.
And I love my mama. I-I don't know about y'all.
But I'm a mama's boy, nigga.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Only thing is my mama got a gambling problem right now.
She -- She loves Vegas.
And I'm gonna tell you something,
Vegas is not for black people.
-I'm gonna tell you that shit right now.
That's a white sport, we...
White people are the only motherfuckers
that go over there and have fun and not trip about losing shit.
We pray that we bring back the money
we took down to that bitch.
Heavenly Father, don't let me lose this goddamn rent money.
I was playing Blackjack next to a white dude,
his name was Tom, this motherfucker
lost $1,000 in front of me.
I felt bad for his ass.
I lost $30. I was ready to blow that motherfucker up.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I'm looking at the dealer.
"What the fuck you smiling for, motherfucker?"
You can tell when black people lose in Vegas.
They be walking through that casino, like,
Tupac was looking for the nigga to beat they ass.
Duck.
We'll be walking through that motherfucker
like we looking for chips.
[ Laughter ]
We be checking all the slot machines
to see if they...
[ Laughter ]
Fuck Vegas. I ain't going back ever.
There's always the niggas that go to Vegas, though,
they out of money, but they want to tell you how to play.
This one nigga was behind me. Yeah. I was double them tens.
"Get the fuck from behind me!
[ Laughter, applause ]
You ain't got a chip to verse in front of you.
Double them tens, nigga.
And my mama love Vegas, nigga, I'ma tell you something.
My mama live for Vegas.
My mama saved, she take Jesus
to the casino with her.
She sanctified that motherfucker.
Holy Ghosted that slot machine.
Put that holy water on that goddamn handle.
And when she pull it, it like she giving the motherfucker
the electric shock. [Imitates slot machine]
[ Laughter ]
Fuck!
I said, "Come on, Mom. Let's go."
"Fuck you! You lost all your money!
I'm trying to get your rent money back, motherfucker!"
My mama roped off that goddamn slot machine.
Ain't nobody getting none of that.
And she ain't trying to win a lot
'cause my mom be playing penny slots.
You know?
I said, "Ma, I'm not gonna use this little pussy ass $20.
Come on, let's get fuck out of here."
[As Mother] "I'm having fun."
I love my mama 'cause my mama,
you know, she used to take me to work with her
so, she -- she cared for me.
See, white people, y'all take y'all kid to work,
but that's -- that's fun to y'all.
I had to go to work with my mama.
My mama sent me up under the desk
and said, "Don't say shit.
Or we both get fired."
How the fuck we both get fired? Shit. I'm only 6.
She...
She feeding me at lunchtime, up under the desk,
like, I'm a Rottweiler and shit.
[ Laughter ]
And that's before I had these big ass teeth, too.
I wasn't born with these motherfuckers, y'all.
[ Laughter continues ]
I love my mama.
Fucked around, man, I went to...
I saved up $2,900,
and I flew myself to Africa, you know?
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I took Pam with me too.
I saved up $2,900...
and I flew to Africa.
And, uh, now...
I only had one
$2,900, so...
So, I ain't have another $2,900 for Pam.
So -- So, she was in coach and, uh...
but I got her an exit row,
that's like the motherfucking supreme.
That's first class in motherfucking coach.
"Don't know the fuck you talking about,
you see all that leg room, nigga, you got in there?"
That exit row, only thing about flying in
that goddamn coach in the exit row,
it comes with some responsibilities.
If that bitch ask you, "Can you lift this door?"
-And every one of you dumb ass motherfuckers said,
"Yeah, yeah, I can lift it."
And I'm looking at your arm all like this, nigga.
How the fuck you get this seat, nigga?
I be wanting to tell, "Hey, playa, this nigga's handicapped.
How the fuck...
How the fuck he get a fucking exit row seat?
I hit that button immediately. Bing!
Motherfucker. I need him to be reseated.
[ Laughter ]
-That's how you motherfuckers be on Southwest.
You motherfuckers now.
You act like you handicapped.
You know, you going on, you want to pre-board and shit.
[ Laughter continues ]
You ever see a nigga get out of a car -- out the car, nigga,
he got the handicapped placard,
and he get out, like, 'cause he see another nigga,
and he get out like something wrong with him.
And that motherfucker be looking at you,
the real handicapped nigga, he be looking at...
'Cause you know you fucked up.
You did. [ Laughter ]
All right, nigga. I'm gonna stop playing. Nigga.
I'ma move my car. I'ma move my car.
Motherfuckers are acting, like, they handicapped.
I don't know about coach, I-I just...
if you fly coach, it just look like your credit score go down.
It's just...
Look at the niggas that fly coach, like...
When I'm in first class,
I don't give no nigga, no eye contact.
I just...
[ Laughter ]
'Cause you give a nigga eye contact,
they make you feel bad,
"Oh, you a first class nigga now.
You act like you got a washer and a dryer now."
I'm the first class police, too,
when I'm on that bitch, if you in that coach, nigga,
don't come up here with the bullshit, nigga.
I meet you at the curtain. "Hey, playa.
What -- What's popping?
Our bathroom is full, motherfuckers."
People come on there and leave they luggage
and walk they ass back to 42A.
I stop a nigga, "Hey, playa, you left something up here.
This for us.
$2,900, motherfucker.
Take your Groupon ass on towards the back."
I only saved it up one time. Don't act like that.
I just saved it up one time. I fly coach a lot.
Went to Africa, got off the plane.
It wasn't Zamunda like I thought it was going to be.
[ Laughter ]
I thought when I get off that motherfucker, and I go,
"Hoo, ha, ha." I thought I was gonna hear that shit.
I got off the plane, nigga, I fucked up
all my good white shoes, nigga.
So much dirt on them motherfucking roads.
Now, I see why over in Africa they don't wear no shoes.
I get it. I took mine off too.
How many of y'all been to Africa?
Anybody been to Africa?
Three people, four, five.
Okay. All right.
Huh? -Michelle's world travels.
-Michelle world's travel. Oh, that's what's up.
Yeah. -You can go to Africa next year.
-I can go to Africa next year. Okay.
20 -- Is it cheaper than $2,900?
-2,500. -2,500.
You ain't saving me a motherfucking thing.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I said, I say, 29.
I said, "Well, how much on your discount?"
She said, "2,500."
Bitch. [Mutters]
That's black people.
I'm gonna try -- I'm going to use your shit, though, I'm...
Not this year 'cause I told you I ain't doing it, so...
Huh? -I'll put you to work.
You'll put me to work?
Oh, I can go for free.
Oh, I ain't...
I kind of ain't looking for a job right now.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I know I've been saying some shit like I ain't doing...
I know y'all kind of believing that I ain't doing shit,
but, uh...
I'm doing all right right now, motherfuckers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm doing aight.
I got a front yard, backyard, now, shit.
I got a laundry room.
Women love a nigga with a laundry room.
I ain't gonna lie.
Women, if you date the motherfucker and he in his 50s
and he ain't got no checking account,
you should sit your ass down.
He pay all his bills through 7-Eleven.
Shit.
Yeah, let me get two $500 money orders, please.
Hurry.
They about to foreclose my house today.
Hurry up, motherfucker.
Date a motherfucker in his 40s and 50s
and you calling him a king but you sleeping on a queen bed...
that ain't nothing but a twin and another one.
Look at the niggas that ain't laughing. I see y'all.
You can't do nothing but two positions in a queen.
That's up and down, motherfucker.
You got a king, nigga, you can roll over in that bitch.
You cut the lights on.
"Hey, you good, bitch?"
Fucking in a goddamn queen bed.
And he wrapping it up with king sheets and shit.
If you still fucking the nigga
and he got that metal frame bed,
you should sit your ass down.
You know that metal frame bed, you start moving and shit
while you...
You start off in the bedroom.
But you end up in the living room.
[ Laughter ]
Got that motherfucking metal frame, that motherfucker.
Man, you got to get yo shit together, too.
I tell you that right now, if you in your 50s,
and you still wearing T-shirts, you...
get your shit together.
You -- You ironing your T-shirts and shit.
Motherfucker don't dress up no more.
Look like -- Look like how this nigga dress.
[ Laughter ]
You niggas just came on up here.
Like, "What's up? What's good?"
"Nigga, I'm good. Shit."
Women dress up like, you know?
[ Applause ] They dress up. Women dress up.
They look forward to putting an outfit on.
Yeah. Them motherfuckers spinning on you.
And it don't -- It don't even require you to spin.
Them motherfuckers be...
The fuck you modeling for? Ain't no.
I only fuck with black women.
Now, and I don't do this for applause.
But I only date black women. I don't do it for applause.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I ain't never dated outside my race,
because I like to argue, I'm a petty motherfucker.
I'm petty as fuck.
And if you ain't doing this,
we not equally yoked, I swear to God.
You ain't hitting me with this shit.
Yeah. Just go on about your business.
We ain't good.
And white women, y'all don't argue back.
You know, I need that --
I need you to show me, you -- you fuck with me.
I need every now and then, you say,
"Nigga, you ain't shit."
[High-pitched] "What? What?
[ Laughter ]
Oh! I'ma marry that bitch right there."
[ Normal voice ] I love you independent women.
I fuck with y'all. I fuck with independent women.
But we not equally yoked.
I need a chick every now and then to ask me
for $75, I swear to God.
Every now and then, not all the time, but every now and then.
Just come up to me, "Hey, [ Chuckles ],
You know we've been fucking, you got $75 I could get?"
"Bitch. Hell yeah, I got $75!"
[ Laughter ]
I need you to need me. Shit.
You don't wanna hear it fellas, I'm telling you right now.
You don't want to hear it, she say, she got it.
You don't want to hear that. You all at Nobu's.
And she say, "Don't worry about it. I got it."
I swear to God...
you won't get no pussy ever.
If her spirit picks up, you can't afford...
Nobu
in Malibu.
You think you fucking her? No, she gonna be fucking you.
[ Laughter, applause ]
She gonna be telling you, "No. Bend over."
"Nigga. What? Bitch. Hold on.
Bitch, you strong. Bitch.
[ Laughter continues ]
You think there's some good men left out here?
How many of y'all think there's any good men?
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
She -- She clapping in front of him.
"Yes!"
This nigga ain't shit. I'ma tell you right now.
I know this nigga, I do know this nigga.
If you think you got a good man, you're delusional.
Ain't nothing but three good niggas ever walk this Earth.
That's good. That's me, Barack, and Jesus.
That's it.
All these niggas ain't shit. Look at them.
[ Laughter ]
This is how you can tell your man ain't shit
when you out to eat and you see his phone face down like that.
Nigga answer his phone like he playing dominoes.
"Yeah.
Yeah. That's Big 12 right there, bitch."
Look it, you niggas ain't laughing,
now, are you motherfuckers?
You get a text message, you put that bitch in your eyeball.
"This bitch ain't gonna read that message."
And then, he got the font on 0. Shit.
I was fucking with this little chick named Tasha.
She -- This bitch was cheating right in front of me.
She be just texting niggas,
'cause her font was on 1, I was like, I asked,
I said, "Who -- Who you texting?"
"The president." I wouldn't have known. Shit.
Then, she put the screen on top, and so,
I really couldn't see the motherfucker.
Fuck that phone.
'Cause I ain't no cheater. You know?
I don't -- I don't cheat.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm kind of a loyal kind of guy.
I kind of, if I'm fucking you,
I'm fucking you, 'cause I ain't got that kind of energy
to be fucking everybody else.
I ain't got that kind of energy.
You know, I got a pull over chick.
'Cause all this dating fucking up, man, shit, fuck that.
Cause this little chick said she wanted to go again.
She, like, "You want to go another round?"
I said, "Today Day?
You mean right now you want to go again?
Yeah, bitch, I can pencil you in for Thursday. Shit.
Ain't got no more nuts in these balls.
I swear to God I don't."
Some of you fellas, you know what the fuck
I'm talking about,
trying to take them pills and all that shit.
You popping pills and shit.
You don't -- Hey, this -- this Keisha, this bitch can go.
You hear me? She was spinning and.
Like, "Hey, hey.
Calm the fuck down. This is my house.
She act like I'm renting a motherfucking goddamn hotel.
We good. Shit.
That bitch Keisha was moving.
[ Laughter ]
And I ain't trying to be nasty.
I'm like, "Hey, you gonna make the condom pop off.
Calm down."
Keisha, though, she liked to give me my fantasy, though.
I didn't, you know. Yeah.
You know, them young chicks, they'll give you your fantasy.
She's like -- She -- She -- I don't want to say it.
But she -- she sucked my titties and it felt...
[ Laughter ]
"[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
Do the left one, bitch. Do the left one."
[ Laughter continues ]
And when she was getting ready to leave the house,
she had me feeling like a bitch in my own house.
I'm getting up, and she's like, "I'm getting ready to go."
I'm like, "What ? Right now?"
"Yeah, I got to go to work in the morning, Shit.
And here's $200, get your electric and your cable
cut back on.
I'm tired of coming over to this motherfucker.
I can't watch Family Feud and shit."
And I'm a -- I'm a titty man, too.
I like -- I like a little titties.
I like titties.
I like titties with a nervous system, though.
I don't like it...
I'm gonna say it again, 'cause I can tell
that joke creeped up on your ass.
I don't like fake titties. Let me just go on and tell ya.
'Cause fake titties just look at you, like, "What are we doing?"
I like titties with a nervous system.
So, when you pinch 'em, "Hey, nigga, that's real.
The fuck is you doing?"
I bit this one chick nipple off.
She didn't even know it was gone.
Until Thursday, this bitch...
She come calling me, "Did you find a nipple?"
Yeah, I found one but I threw that motherfucker
out the window.
I'm kind of a little freak.
I ain't -- I ain't gonna tell y'all.
I'm kind of -- kind of a little freak, you know what I'm saying?
I like getting my little freak on.
Yeah, I see you.
But I'm a choker, though. I like to choke bitches.
I ain't gonna lie.
I choke. [ Chokes ]
I don't choke to kill.
That's a white sport. I don't do that.
I choke, I just want one little tear come out your eyes.
[ Chokes ]
I choke Pam, and I got a good choke on her.
This -- This bitch turning into Bernie Mac.
[As Bernie Mac] "What the fuck you doing
to a motherfucker?
You gonna choke the fuck out of me."
What the fuck? Is Bernie here, bitch?
That made me want to stalk her, but I ain't no stalker.
I'ma tell you, black women, men -
black men don't stalk you.
We check up on you.
[ Laughter ]
Stalking is a white sport, them motherfuckers.
If a White dude stalk you, you dead as a motherfucker.
Motherfucker been waiting on them bitches for 2 weeks.
This motherfucker is -- is ready to kill.
Nigga, I'm just -- I'm just coming to check up on you.
I done went by this little chick crib.
I was waiting for about, I say, I did 6 hours.
And, uh...
I just went by the door. I just wanted to see where she's at.
I just -- I'm checking up on her.
I was waiting in her back seat, one time, I was...
I'm checking up on her.
I'm gonna see if she gonna get in the car,
shit, I stayed in there for 6 hours, too.
I fell asleep in that motherfucker,
to be honest with ya.
Is that stalking? Crowd: Yes!
Okay.
I disagree.
Uh... [ Laughter ]
Is it stalking if I drive by her house 19 times
just to see if her light's on? Crowd: Yes!
So, I better keep that court date that I got?
Crowd: Yes! [ Laughter ]
-If you need a lawyer, she's a lawyer.
-Who's a lawyer?
Damn.
You niggas.
I got everybody in this motherfucker.
What's up little light-skin, dude? What's up, playa?
How you doing? You good? You just getting here?
-Yeah. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
And he ain't give a fuck about what he said.
"Yeah, yeah. Nigga, I just got here.
Go on with your little pussy ass show, go on ahead."
Little light-skin, skinny ass niggas.
Y'all still think y'all in style, don't you?
What? Chris Brown ass nigga.
I can't stand light-skinned motherfuckers.
Light-skinned dudes. Not the women.
I fuck with y'all. I like you.
Light-skinned niggas, they --
I used to think they all had good hair at first, I did.
I said, them niggas was getting texturizers just like I was.
[ Laughter ]
So, you a lawyer? -Yes.
And -- And how long you been a law -- lawyer --
lawyer -- lawttery?
How long you been a law -- a lot -- a lottery? Lawyer?
-I've been a lawyer for 36 years.
-36. Now, you do defense?
Or you do criminal? -Defense.
Um, criminal defense. -All that?
-As well as entertainment. -As far as entertainment, yes.
Okay. So, you -- you do the entertainment for me?
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
I might need a defense, uh...
I just told you that I'm...
Got allegations.
What you do, playa?
-I'm a writer/producer.
-Okay. So, you're a writer/producer?
Huh? -I wrote "Montbeck."
Okay. Don't nobody know what the fuck "Montbeck" is.
[ Laughter ]
Anybody want to buy a volume, motherfuckers?
This nigga talking about he wrote a book on "Montbeck."
Nigga, I -- Now, you got the same teeth, you got --
I got in my mouth in your mouth.
Motherfucker talking 'bout he wrote a book on Montbeck.
Motherfucker?
And he said it with confidence too.
Like, you niggas knew what he was talking about.
Like, "Yeah, Montbeck, yeah, nigga.
I'm selling them after the show."
What's the Montbeck, what that do?
-1781. -Okay. See.
Nigga, if you don't get your Al Sharpton friend ass
on out of here.
If you don't sit yo ass down.
This motherfucker talking about, "1721."
Nigga. Nigga, don't.
You got to get a book, at least in the '90s.
Motherfucker.
Congratulations. How many copies you sold?
-Uh... -Okay. That's a lie right there.
You hear the nigga.
You hear the nigga hit me with the "Uh."
That's a dead ass lie about to happen.
You want to give him a call? Give this nigga a call.
[ Laughter ]
Niggas talking about, "Ugh!"
What you do, playa?
What you do? -I'm an actor.
-You an actor? Yeah. I-I've seen you before.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Do anybody in this motherfucker work at the grocery store?
Motherfucker.
Everybody somebody in this motherfucker.
We got lawyers, flight attendants, and businesses.
-Security!
[ Laughter ]
-That's a good job right there, motherfucker.
Gun or no gun? -No gun!
-Okay. If you don't get your ass up out of here.
Sam, you're a French ass security guard.
Huh? -Report and observe. That's me.
-Report and obser-- See.
that's that hood shit right there.
And you better believe my boyfriend a crip
I guarantee you.
You just come in that motherfucker, nigga.
So, it's really your family that do the security, you like,
"You know who my brother is, bitch?"
I got an actor, a book writer,
security guard in the back.
Light-skin skinny ass nigga broke.
What's up, playa? How you doing?
What you -- you young -- Young cat.
Look like Lebron James' little son?
Yeah. Yeah.
What -- What you do, playa? -[No audio]
-Just go to college. Okay. Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We need more of that.
Yeah. Is your family, who you here with?
You're by yourself?
Oh, you trying to get you a grown bitch. Huh?
[ Laughter, applause ]
This little young nigga right here trying to get him
a little pop goes the weasel, you heard?
Trying to get him a little gray on the lowdown.
They're gonna strip ya of your motherfucking strength.
I'ma tell you.
But you want these grown chicks, nigga, I swear to God, nigga,
you go back to living with your mama 'cause they will...
Motherfuckers'll fuck the shit out you.
You'll be like, "Where you get all this strength, Pearl? Shit.
Damn, Pearl.
You fucking the shit out of me, Pearl.
With the titties with the nervous system.
Shit.
Hey, y'all. I'm Gary "G. Thang" Johnson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[Hip-hop music plays]
♪♪
[Electricity buzzes] -Funny shyt.